


Only love can hurt like this

by Totalpanik



Category: Suits (TV)
Genre: Cheating, Drug Use, Established Relationship, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2018-10-19
Packaged: 2018-11-06 14:18:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 30,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11037921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Totalpanik/pseuds/Totalpanik
Summary: Harvey and Mike is in an established relationship.While Harvey is ready to take their relationship to the next level, Mike is struggling with his feelings and end up making a big mistake that ends up changing everything.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is only my 2nd fanfic and I have never ever written romance before but this idea just wouldn't leave me alone so here we go.  
> I'm gonna post the 2 first chapters and depending on the response I might continue. I'm not sure where the story is going but I know there will be drama and probably angst.  
> The characters will probably have OOC moments and for each chapter I will switch between Mike's and Harvey's POV.  
> English is not my first language and I have no one that proof reads for me so all mistakes are mine.

It was close to midnight and his whole body was aching from sitting in his chair for hours on end.  
Harvey put down the file he’d been reading on the desk and looked over at the couch where his associate, and boyfriend, had fallen asleep, a file still clutched tightly in his hands.  
A fond smile spread across his face and he just took it all in, every single feature of Mike’s beautiful face. He never got tired of watching him, it was like every time he looked at Mike he just got more beautiful.

Harvey had a hard time believing that this beautiful man was actually his boyfriend. He had known Mike was special since their first meeting and within weeks Harvey had realized that this might be the greatest man he’d ever met. Still he pined for his associate for six months before making a move, and that all thanks to Donna. His secretary had grown tired of the tension between the men and told Harvey to man up and just tell him already.  
It had been the hardest thing he’d ever done but it was all worth it in the end, because here he was two years later head over heels in love with the man he was convinced was his soulmate.  
It was like his world had been dull and gray before Mike came into his life and coloured it in the most beautiful colours.

Harvey got up from his chair and walked over to his sleeping beauty and crouched down by him. He gently ran his fingers through Mike’s soft hair, causing the younger man to stir and his eyes opened, revealing two heavenly blue orbs.  
“Hey”  
Mike’s voice was rough and thick with sleep.  
He looked confused for a second before he realized where he was and what he had been doing.  
Mike dragged himself up into a sitting position.  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep”  
“It’s fine, babe. It’s late, how about we head home? We’ve done enough for today”  
“Sounds good to me”  
Mike got up and Harvey placed a soft kiss on his lips before taking his hand, leading them out of the office.

The only thing keeping Harvey from sleep was the fact that Mike was tossing and turning next to him, seemingly unable to fall asleep.  
He seemed anxious about something but every time Harvey had asked he was answered with a smile and the word, nothing.  
Harvey glanced at the alarm clock over his shoulder, seeing they only had a couple of hours before it would ring.  
He sighed tiredly before reaching out and grabbing hold of Mike  
“Mike, what’s wrong?”  
He asked, this time in a more demanding tone but yet again Mike just smiled.  
“Nothing”  
Harvey adapted a softer expression before he asked  
“You do know that you can tell me anything right?”  
“Of course Harvey. I love you”  
“I love you too”  
Harvey placed a kiss on his forehead before closing his eyes again.  
“Now go to sleep or I will make sure Louis buries you in work tomorrow”  
His threat was effective and within seconds he could fall asleep without any disturbances from Mike.

Harvey reached out and shut off the blaring alarm clock before rolling over, reaching out for Mike, just like he did every morning.  
All he could feel was soft fabric and when he opened his eyes he could confirm that the bed was in fact empty.  
It didn’t feel right, not having Mike there by his side, so he got up to locate his missing boyfriend.  
He found him leaning over the balcony reeling, seemingly lost in thoughts.  
Harvey walked up behind him, putting his arms around his waist in a loving embrace.  
“Morning babe”  
“Morning”  
His voice was distant and there was just something off about it but he couldn’t really place it.  
Carefully he grabbed Mike and spun him around to face him.  
“Hey, are you okay?”  
Harvey asked in a concerned tone of voice, wanting to know if something was up with his boyfriend and if he could do anything to help.  
Mike just smiled before leaning in for a kiss.  
“I’m fine, just tired. I didn’t really get that much sleep”  
Harvey gave him a skeptic look, not really believing him, but Mike did look exhausted. It was good enough for now but Harvey really hoped that if something was wrong Mike would come to him.  
“How about breakfast? I’m starving”  
Mike said, successfully redirecting the subject.

At the office they resumed the case from the night before.  
They sat for hours going through the same files as yesterday before Mike seemed to find something and stormed off to God knows where.  
Everyone at work knew that Mike and Harvey were dating but not everyone accepted their relationship, so they had to do their best to act as usual at work.  
As soon as they stepped inside the firm they were boss and associate and nothing else. Sometimes it drove Harvey mad, not being able to hold Mike’s hand or give him a kiss.  
Harvey sighed opening his calendar to double check the time for an upcoming meeting, smiling as he came across the event this Saturday.  
Written in all capital letters it said HARVEY AND MIKE 2ND YEAR ANNIVERSARY followed by a row of hearts. He knew Donna had been the one to write it in, as if Harvey would actually forget something so important.  
As if she knew he was thinking about him, and let’s be real she probably did, the redheaded secretary stepped inside the office.  
“So what’s the plans for Saturday?”  
Harvey honestly wondered if Donna could actually read minds, it wouldn’t surprise him if that was the case. Sometimes he doubted if his secretary was even human.  
“Oh whatever do you mean?”  
He asked, earning a scoff from Donna.  
“Don’t play dumb, Harvey. I know you’re counting down every second until your anniversary”  
Harvey remained silent, not admitting to anything but not denying it either.  
“I’m guessing you’re going big, since last year turned out to be a total flop”  
Last year’s anniversary had been spent peering over files at the office, trying to solve one of their biggest cases. The only romantic thing that happened between them that day was in a janitor’s closet.  
Harvey was ready to really make it up for last time, set on refusing all work and just spending the entire day focusing on Mike.  
“Yes Donna, I’m going big and you’re going to help”  
Donna’s face lit up like a Christmas tree, she was practically their biggest fan and she wanted their anniversary to be flawless, possibly even more than Harvey did.  
“You have to fill me in later, I see the puppy’s on his way”  
She said before leaving the office, greeting Mike on her way out.


	2. Chapter 2

Since the first time he saw Harvey in that interview at the hotel he just knew that he wanted him. Mike was like a magnet being pulled by invisible forces towards Harvey.  
The first months of working had been unbearable, how many times had he not been close to revealing his feelings or hell just grab his boss and give him the best god damn kiss he’d ever had.  
It felt like they were made for each other but Mike hadn’t dared to make a move, he needed this job for his grandmother’s sake.  
He just couldn’t risk it.  
Then suddenly out of nowhere Harvey admitted his feelings to him and Mike had thought that he was dreaming. He had been filled with such an overwhelming joy that he couldn’t even find words so instead he kissed his boss and it had been more amazing than he ever could’ve imagined.

The memory of that day always made him smile but as he looked at the man trying to fall asleep next to him, the smile faded.  
His heart used to skip a beat everytime he looked at Harvey, his body used to get filled with a warm feeling every time Harvey looked back at him.  
Used to.  
Mike loved Harvey, he really did.  
There was just something missing, and he didn’t know what.  
It was like a fire that for a long time had been burning so strongly but then it suddenly started to slowly lose its intensity.  
He tossed and he turned but no position was comfortable enough.  
Suddenly Harvey reached out and grabbed him, yet again demanding to know what was wrong but Mike just smiled and told him that it was nothing.  
This was simply not something he could talk to him about. What was he supposed to say?  
‘Hey Harvey why don’t I love you that much anymore?’  
No he didn’t want to worry Harvey or make him feel that Mike didn’t love him.  
Mike did love Harvey, he knew he did but why did the words ‘I love you’ feel so wrong coming out of his mouth?  
It was like he said it out of habit and not because he wanted it.  
Harvey threatened to make Louis bury him in work if he didn’t stay still so Mike had to stop trying to find a comfortable position until Harvey fell asleep.

He wasn’t sure how many hours had passed, but he could see the first light of the day peering through the window.  
Mike decided to give up on sleep and slowly got up, careful not to disturb his sleeping lover.  
He found his way to the balcony where he leaned over the railing. The fresh, chilly air felt good against his skin and he closed his eyes, trying to disappear into a fantasy world and forget the reality for a while.  
Of course it didn’t work for long and soon he was back at the thoughts that had been keeping him up all night.  
Why did it feel so different? Was it his fault? Was it Harvey’s fault?  
No it was not Harvey’s fault, the man had been nothing but the perfect boyfriend and he had never done anything wrong.  
Therefore it must be something wrong with Mike but he didn’t know what.  
He had to talk to someone, someone who would listen and understand. Luckily Mike knew someone like that.  
He suddenly felt arms around him and heard Harvey greet him, he automatically responded.  
Harvey seemed to sense that something was wrong cause he spun him around, yet again wondering what was wrong but Mike tried to calm his worries by explaining his lack of sleep.  
It was far from a lie after all, his thoughts had been keeping him up all night and he was exhausted.  
Nevertheless he needed to go through the day so he downed a Red Bull before breakfast, earning a look of disgust from Harvey.

At the office Mike finally discovered what could be their golden ticket to winning the case, and hurried off to Rachel’s office.  
The paralegal had over time become his best friend and she had been the first one to know about Mike’s feelings for Harvey.  
While the other associates had whined about Mike getting special treatment and teasing him every chance they got, Rachel stayed supportive through the whole thing.  
“Me and some of the associates are going to get a few drinks after work on Friday, you should come”  
Rachel said as she helped him search for a specific file in the file room.  
“Uhm, I don’t know Rachel”  
“You haven’t been out for a long time. Besides you’re going to spend all of Saturday with Harvey, it’s not fair that he gets to have you all weekend”  
Oh right, Saturday. Saturday was their two year anniversary. Rachel remembered the day but he didn’t, and he was the one with the super memory.  
Did Harvey have any plans?  
Last year they prioritized work over romance so maybe Harvey didn’t really care that much about celebrating the day they became a couple.  
“Mike?”  
He broke out of his thoughts and gave her a smile  
“Yeah sure, okay. I’ll come with you”

With a file in his hand he returned to Harvey’s office, meeting Donna on his way in.  
She gave him a secretive smile and Mike felt confused.  
“You got something?”  
“Yeah”  
He dropped the file on Harvey’s desk.  
Harvey read the highlighted pieces and nodded, it was exactly what they needed to close this case.  
“Good job”  
Mike smiled at the praise before checking so that no one was outside the office, except for Donna of course.  
“So I was just wondering about Saturday? Do you have any plans or…?”  
“I was planning on a home cooked romantic dinner, how does that sound?”  
Harvey was flashing him a charming, confident smile but Mike could see the insecurity behind the question. Was Harvey worried that Mike wanted something bigger?  
“It sounds perfect, I can’t wait”  
Harvey’s smile was genuine this time and it caused Mike to smile too.  
“Hey do you mind if I take an early lunch, I need to check up on grammy”  
“Go ahead, honey”

Edith was sitting in her bed reading a book when Mike walked in.  
It was a pleasant surprise for her to see her only grandchild, especially these days when he was buried in work and having a boyfriend on top of that.  
His visits were rare but always appreciated.  
Usually her grandson walked in, all sunshine and rainbows, but today it was like a dark cloud rested over him.  
“What’s the matter, Michael?”  
He didn’t answer instead he just dragged the chair closer to her bed and took her hand in his.  
“Did something happen?”  
“It’s about Harvey”  
“Did he do something?”  
Mike shook his head and looked down on their hands rather than looking at her face.  
Edith gently grabbed his chin and lifted his head, forcing their eyes to meet.  
“Michael, did he do something? You can tell me anything”  
His grandmother may be old and fragile but if she found out someone hurt her grandson she would raise a living hell for that person.  
“No, grammy. It’s….me”  
She remained silent while he struggled to find the words.  
“Something’s different. I just….I just feel different about him”  
“Do you love him?”  
“Yes of course I do. It just feels as if I don’t love him as much anymore”  
Her thumb caressed his cheek and he leaned into the touch.  
“Oh Michael, that’s just you getting out of the honeymoon phase. In the beginning your love is very strong and everything feels amazing, but with time your love changes. You still love him and that’s the important part. It might be different but it’s still love”  
Mike smiled, she was probably right.  
She would know, she had spent 40 years with his grandfather after all.  
He didn’t have to worry, his love was just changing.


	3. Chapter 3

Harvey was nervous as he pushed through the sea of people, Donna following close behind.   
For once Donna didn’t have the slightest idea what Harvey’s plan was and he knew that it made his secretary slightly irritated.   
“You want to tell me what this is all about?”  
She asked, slightly out of breath trying to keep up with Harvey’s fast pace.  
“You’ll know when we get there”  
Once they got there he knew there was no turning back. Harvey wanted this, he had been thinking of it for months on end but what if it wasn’t the right time?  
Well it was too late now, he could see the store and walked towards it, and once Donna saw it she would instantly understand. 

Donna let out a squeak before grabbing Harvey’s arm.  
“Harvey! You’re joking!”  
She said, sounding like she just won the lottery.   
“I’m not Donna. I’m serious”  
Suddenly Donna’s excitement faded and she looked uncertain as she looked at the store, then at Harvey and then back at the store.  
“Are you absolutely sure about this? You don’t think it’s too soon?”  
“Donna, I’m sure. I love Mike more than anything and I just know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him”  
Sure Harvey had his doubts, wondering if two years was too soon for this kind of commitment, but every time he looked at Mike his heart skipped a beat. He knew that he never wanted to spend another night without Mike by his side, he knew he never wanted to spend another day not holding him in his arms, and he knew that he never wanted to spend another day without Mike.  
He knew that he wanted to be able to look at Mike and think ‘there he is, my wonderful, perfect husband’.   
“You’re sure this is the right time, Harvey?”  
Donna asked giving him a concerned look.  
“Mike has been a little distant later, don’t you think?”  
Harvey dismissed her concerns   
“He’s just been having trouble sleeping Donna. Our relationship is as tight as ever”  
Harvey started to walk towards the jewelry shop, completely missing how Donna still gave him concerned looks. She had also noticed that Mike had been slightly off recently, but unlike Harvey she believed it was something more serious than lack of sleep.

The jewelry store was high class, with some objects wearing a six figure tag.  
Money wasn’t an issue for Harvey, and he wanted the very best for Mike.   
That’s why he brought Donna along, she would be able to sniff out the perfect ring for Mike.  
The two walked over to the disk where a young, blonde woman greeted them.   
When they asked to see some of the rings, her smile grew wider and she actually cooed at them.  
“You are such a good looking couple, you look perfect together”  
“Oh no we’re not a couple, she’s just helping me pick out the ring”  
The woman blushed slightly at her quick assumption before she picked out some of the most expensive rings, made with pure gold and decorated with large diamonds.  
“Well I can guarantee you that with one of these rings, your girlfriend will be one lucky lady”  
“He. I’m picking it out for my boyfriend”  
The woman’s smile faltered and Harvey instantly felt uncomfortable, fidgeting with one of the rings.  
It was always hard to predict what kind of response he would get when he told people he had a boyfriend. Sometimes people reacted badly, and even though Harvey had gotten used to that possibility, it still felt like someone had punched him in the stomach every time someone even looked at him or Mike with disgust.   
Donna glared at the woman, ready to bring on world war three if she so much as thought of being rude to Harvey.   
The young woman chose well and plastered on a smile again.   
“Well of course, he will be a lucky guy then”

The little box felt heavy in his pocket as he returned to the office.   
Donna had spent less than five minutes looking at the rings before finding the perfect one.   
A golden ring, decorated with a small but very expensive looking sapphire.  
It was definitely perfect, it looked amazing but were also subtle and suited for Mike to wear at work.   
The thought made him grin like a child on Christmas morning.  
If all went well then Mike would be walking around the office with the ring on his finger and wearing the title of Harvey Specter’s fiancé.   
He felt an incredible excitement but also an incredible fear of the upcoming anniversary.   
It was either going to the happiest day of his entire life or it would be the most heartbreaking day in his life.   
Harvey didn’t know if his heart could handle that kind of rejection.   
Hopefully it wouldn’t come to that because Harvey felt sure that Mike loved him just as much as he loved Mike.  
“What are you so happy about?”  
His thoughts were interrupted and his good mood destroyed as he heard the most annoying sound in the world. Louis’ voice.   
“Just thinking about last night when I made love to your wife”  
“I’m still not married and you have a boyfriend”  
“It’s still funny”  
Harvey remarked before reaching his office and closing the door right in his face, leaving Louis to glare at Harvey with an insulted look.

Harvey just about managed to hide the box before Mike strolled into the office.   
Harvey flashed him an innocent smile but Mike still gave him a suspicious look.   
“What’s up with you?”  
Harvey just shook his head, not even bothering to come up with a lie. He knew his boyfriend could sense his joyfulness and Harvey wasn’t this happy without a reason.   
“Nothing”  
He said and Mike seemed to contemplate if it was worth it but eventually seemed the drop the matter since he sat down in the chair opposite his desk.  
“I’m going out with Rachel and some of the associates Friday night, that is okay, right?”  
Harvey smiled at Mike, always the considerate one. Of course, Harvey wasn’t the kind of possessive boyfriend who wanted to control his partner’s life, but he guessed that Mike was asking because of their anniversary. He wanted to make sure that Harvey didn’t want to spend the entire weekend together.   
“Of course, as long as you’re not too hangover to have dinner on Saturday”  
Mike chuckled  
“I promise”


	4. Chapter 4

Mike repeated his grandmother’s words everytime he looked at Harvey and it felt different. His love was just changing and he simply had to get used to it.  
He did need to know tough, what the changes were so that he could get used to them faster.  
Therefore he spent the rest of the week testing and analyzing his feelings.  
He spent an entire day avoiding Harvey, mostly hanging out in Rachel’s office and even asking Louis for some extra work instead of going to Harvey.  
It wasn’t that hard to spend time apart from him, which felt weird considering just a couple of months back every second spent without Harvey felt insufferable.  
Harvey didn’t seem to notice what Mike was doing, but Donna did. She kept watching him like a hawk, noticing his change in behaviour and she kept sending him concerned glances.  
At one instance she even pulled him aside, asking him if he was alright and he answered with the standard answer that he was fine, just tired. He wanted to ask Donna for advice, but at the same time he feared that she would tell Harvey and they would make a big deal out of it.  
Donna didn’t believe his excuse of course, she could always see through his lies and it took forever for her to actually let him go. For some reason she seemed really concerned, as if the slightest problem from his side would lead to a catastrophe.

Suddenly it was Friday and after spending most of the day in his cubicle, doing some work for Louis, he stopped by Harvey’s office to say goodbye before he went for drinks with Rachel and the associates.  
When he reached the office Donna was in there and it seemed like they were in the middle of an argument. The tension in the room was so thick you could cut it with a knife.  
“What’s going on?”  
He asked, both of their heads snapping up and looking at him. Donna glared at Harvey before leaving the room, pushing past Mike without saying a word.  
“What happened?”  
He asked but Harvey just shook his head and walked up to Mike, pulling him in for a hug and kissing him on the forehead.  
“It’s nothing”  
Mike didn’t believe him but decided to drop it for now, he could ask him later when they had cooled down.  
“I’m leaving with Rachel and the others now”  
He informed and Harvey nodded, subtly caressing his arm.  
“Should I wait up?”  
“No need, I won’t stay too long”  
Mike turned around as he heard his name being called, seeing Rachel down the hall, gesturing for him to come.  
“I have to go”  
“Stay safe, babe”

The bar was almost empty when the group walked in and they quickly found a table and could order some food and some alcohol.  
Even though the other associates disliked Mike there were one person they disliked even more, Louis.  
So that became their main conversation subject for that evening, their distaste for Louis united them.  
They shared their stories, everything from something weird Louis had said to that time an associate walked in on the man giving a passionate love speech to the picture of his cat.  
Eventually all the stories about Louis started to run out and as the hours passed and the drinks kept coming, the associates started to get more and more rude.  
Kyle was the worst of them all and eventually he crossed the line.  
It had started with him asking if the great Harvey Specter was as great in bed, something Mike could ignore, but then he topped it all off by being just pure homophobic, something Mike could not take.  
As soon as Kyle crossed the line, the other associates started to follow him right across that line.  
There was only so much that Mike could take and eventually he left the table and walked out of the bar without a word to the drunk associates.   
Mike was ready to hail for a cab when Rachel grabbed his arm.  
“Please Mike, don’t leave yet”  
Rachel pleaded but nothing could convince Mike to go back in.  
“I’m not spending another second with those assholes, Rachel”  
“Okay, fine. I understand. How about we go to my place? Drink some wine and just chat. We haven’t done that for ages”  
She was right, it had been a while since they spent some time together outside of work and besides the night was still young.  
“Yeah, okay”

Rachel almost spilled her wine, her whole body shaking as she laughed at Mike’s story about Louis taking him mudding. He hadn’t told the story before since he was afraid the associates would find a way to make gay jokes about it.  
“Harvey must’ve been so jealous”  
She said when she finally managed to calm down but when she didn’t receive a response she glanced over at Mike that had gone quiet.  
“What’s wrong?”  
Mike wasn’t sure if he was going to lie to her or if he was going to let her know what had been going on in his mind lately. After considering the two options he finally chose the latter. Rachel was his best friend, he knew he could trust her and it wouldn’t hurt getting some more advice.  
“I’ve been thinking a lot about Harvey lately”  
Mike answered, his voice slightly slurred as the alcohol began to take its toll.  
“I love Harvey, but just not as much as before you know?”  
He confided before sighing, maybe he was just overreacting about this whole thing.  
“I talked to grammy about it. She thinks I’m getting out of the honeymoon phase.”  
Rachel put down her glass and moved closer to her friend, putting her arm around his shoulders.  
“You do realize there might be a second reason, right?”  
Mike gave her a questioning look, not at all sure what she was talking about.  
“Have you ever considered the fact that you might be falling out of love? It’s sad but it’s very real”  
Falling out of love? No that couldn’t be what this was right? Mike had always thought that he and Harvey would last forever.  
Before he had even had the chance to really digest her words, a phone was put in front of his face.  
Rachel had found an article about signs that you’re falling out of love, and Mike couldn’t stop himself from reading it.  
There were a lot of things that he didn’t experience but his brain didn’t care about them, instead it got hung up on the signs he recognized.  
You feel something is missing. The butterflies have flown away. You feel less connected when apart. You’re saying I love you out of habit.  
Mike put the phone down, staring at Rachel.  
“I might be falling out of love”  
He said, feeling shocked and not really sure how he should handle this new information.  
Rachel pulled her fingers through his hair in a comforting gesture and suddenly, without any warning, she placed her lips on his.

It was stupid, it was very stupid and Mike knew this, yet he kissed her back.  
He ran his fingers through her soft hair as the kiss deepened and he could feel her fingers creeping up his back.  
It was Rachel that stopped what was happening.  
“Mike are you sure about this?”  
No. No he wasn’t. He should end it, say good night and return to his boyfriend.  
“Yes”  
Mike pulled his phone out of his pocket, sending off a quick text to Harvey so that he wouldn’t worry, and then he placed it on the coffee table.  
He lifted Rachel up and carried her away to her bed.  
Just as Mike pulled his shirt off his phone beeped.  
‘I love you, sleep tight’  
The message flashing on the screen went unnoticed by the two friends.


	5. Chapter 5

The week went by way too slow, Harvey wished for Saturday to come along so that he could finally pop the big question.  
He had barely been able to focus on his work, he had been way too excited for the big event. Several times during the week Donna had asked him if he was sure and if he didn’t want to wait, he always gave her the same answer ‘I’m sure Donna and I don’t want to wait’.  
Finally Friday rolled along and Harvey felt more excited than ever, he couldn’t even focus on his work.  
Tomorrow it was go time, all or nothing. Tomorrow he would either have a fiancé or a rejected, damaged heart. He had to be prepared to be turned down, he hoped he wouldn’t but he had to be prepared. If Mike said no, they still had to continue going. Harvey would be able to survive the rejection without having any harsh feelings towards Mike, he just had to.  
Donna came into his office, giving him a concerned look and crossing her arms.  
Harvey leaned back in his chair and looked at his secretary.  
“What is it, Donna?”  
“Harvey, I think that you should really reconsider this. It’s a big step and I don’t think Mike is ready for it”  
Normally Harvey used to listen to Donna, or at least consider her advice, but he was sure about his feelings and he was sure about their relationship.  
“I appreciate the concern, I really do Donna but I’m going to ask him”  
Donna emitted an exasperated sigh.  
“Something’s up with him, Harvey. He’s different. I mean come on, he spent an entire day avoiding you”  
Harvey frowned at her words, he hadn’t noticed Mike being different or avoiding him. There had been one day when he had been buried in Louis’ work and hadn’t been able to get some lunch or come by his office, but that wasn’t Mike avoiding him, he was just busy.  
“I’m sorry, Donna but I think your instincts are off”  
“I’m sorry, Harvey but I think you’re too blinded by love to see what is going on right in front of you”  
Harvey shook his head in disbelief at his secretary’s words. He spent everyday with Mike, he lived with the man, he would notice if he acted different.  
“Harvey”  
Donna’s voice was softer now.  
“All I’m saying is that you should consider waiting, and really watch Mike”  
“Well, I don’t give a damn what you think”  
He snapped while standing up, coming face to face with Donna.  
It felt like an eternity passed while they stared at each other then out of nowhere Mike showed up, asking what was going on.  
Donna glared at him and walked away while Harvey embraced his boyfriend. He wasn’t in denial, rather it was Donna who was being overprotective.

Mike went out to grab some drinks while Harvey went home to the condo alone.  
He sat down on the couch and mentally went through every single step of the plan, even if he had done it a million times already.  
It would take place before dessert, he would begin with a toast and praising their love. Then he would surprise Mike by getting down on his knee and asking him to marry him.  
Hopefully Mike would say yes and Harvey would serve some dessert before ending the night with some passionate action in the bedroom.  
Harvey had picked out a special recipe, one he hadn’t even wanted to touch until now. The meal his father had cooked for his mother the day he proposed to her.  
Their marriage had been ruined though, his mother breaking the family apart by being unfaithful.  
Luckily Mike wasn’t like his mother, no Mike was sweet and caring and he would never break Harvey’s heart like that.  
No their marriage was going to be perfect, absolutely perfect.

 

It wasn’t until midnight that Harvey started to feel worried, Mike still wasn’t home.  
Before leaving the office Mike had said that he wouldn’t be gone too long.  
Harvey knew he shouldn’t be worried, his boyfriend was still young and he was probably just having fun.  
Despite that Harvey stayed up waiting for him, placed on the couch and nursing a whiskey.  
It wasn’t until 1 am that it was confirmed that his boyfriend was still alive and well. The text told Harvey that Mike’s grandma wasn’t feeling too good and he would spend the night at the nursery home, returning tomorrow.  
He felt reassured, knowing his boyfriend was safe with his grandma and not rotting away in a cell or lying dead in a ditch somewhere.  
Harvey could finally go to bed, all worries gone.

Mike returned home at noon the next day and Harvey couldn’t help but laugh when he offered him a bouquet of roses.  
“Maybe it’s a little cheesy but-“  
“Mike I love it”  
Harvey pulled him in his arms and kissed him passionately.  
He didn’t stop until he heard Mike moan against his lips. He pulled away, a big smile on his face.  
“I love you”  
“I love you too”  
Harvey caressed Mike’s cheek before taking a step back.  
He looked at his hopefully soon-to-be fiancé and he knew he was doing the right thing tonight.

Harvey spent almost two hours preparing the perfect dinner while Mike had been confined to the bedroom, since Harvey didn’t want him to help.  
The dinner was his gift to Mike so he had to do everything himself, and put every ounce of his soul into it.  
Finally he was done and he had to take a minute to admire his masterpiece.  
The dining table was decorated with a black, classy tablecloth, a vase with the roses Mike gave him and two red, burning candles.  
His real masterpiece though was the two plates filled with the food that caused his mother to say yes, and hopefully would do the same thing for Mike.  
“Okay, Mike you can come out now”  
Mike walked out, stopping as he took in the scene.  
“Wow, Harvey this looks amazing”  
Harvey gave him a proud smile, gently caressing his arm before pulling out his chair for him.  
Mike smiled and sat down.  
“This looks delicious”

Harvey refilled their glasses with wine before raising his.  
This was it, this was the moment that was going to change everything  
“Ever since you showed up at that interview, briefcase filled with drugs, I knew you were special”  
Mike chuckled at the memory.  
“You were smart, cocky and absolutely stunning. You were perfect and I’m so sorry it took me six whole months to realize that I couldn’t live without you”  
Mike’s eyes watered and Harvey smiled. The fact that Mike got emotional from his love speech was probably a good sign.  
“I love you so much and I don’t want a spend another day without you by my side”  
Mike suddenly seemed to realize what was happening as a tear escaped from his eye.  
Harvey took the small box from his pocket and went down on one knee in front of Mike.  
“Michael James Ross, will you marry me?”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know guys.  
> I am not really sure about this fanfic anymore and I'm debating if I should continue it or abandon it.   
> Let me know what you think.

His head hurt, his eyes hurt, everything hurt.  
Mike squinted as he looked around the room, not his own room. Rachel’s room.  
He was in Rachel’s room, in Rachel’s bed, with…no.  
Next to him was Rachel, sleeping soundly, and she was naked, just like he was and it didn’t take a genius to put two and two together.  
No this could not be happening. How could he have been that incredibly stupid?  
How could he do that to Harvey?  
Mike felt like throwing up.  
He quietly got out of bed and got dressed, he grabbed his phone and his jacket before leaving the apartment.  
His head still hurt from the incredible hangover but it was nothing compared to the pain in his heart when he saw the text message flashing on his phone display.  
Mike could barely contain a sob, how was he supposed to tell Harvey? How would he even be able to face Harvey ever again?

He cured his hangover by spending an hour or two at a nearby coffee shop and then he wandered around the city, building up his courage.  
At noon he realized he could no longer avoid the confrontation, it was time to face the music.  
He stopped as his phone vibrated and he lifted it from his front pocket.  
The name ‘Rachel’ flashed on the screen and he declined the call without hesitation. He had probably destroyed his friendship with her.  
Just as he was about to put the phone away he saw the date. Oh shit, how could he forget?  
It was their anniversary. He couldn’t just walk in there and break Harvey’s heart, he just couldn’t.  
Mike stopped at the flower shop and bought some red roses.  
Did Harvey even need to know? What was the point of breaking his heart? It would never happen again, it was a mistake and the guilt was punishment enough.  
It was the most merciful option after all, if he didn’t confess to his mistake then Harvey wouldn’t get hurt and they could have a perfect anniversary.

His hands were sweating as he opened the door to the condo. Harvey met him by the door and it was hard to even look at the man.  
Mike handed Harvey the flowers before rubbing at his neck.  
“Maybe it’s a bit cheesy but-“  
“Mike, I love it”  
Okay it wasn’t that hard, he could do this.  
Harvey embraced him and gave him a passionate kiss.  
Mike closed his eyes and moaned as the kiss deepened but when he opened his eyes Rachel’s face flashed in front of his eyes.  
“I love you”  
Harvey’s words was like knife going right through his heart.  
“I love you too”

They had spent the day watching their favourite movies, but Mike hadn’t really been able to focus and it was a relief when he was sent to the bedroom. Now Mike finally got some room to breathe.  
He sat down on the bed, staring at his phone. 14 missed calls and 32 messages, all from Rachel.  
How was he supposed to live with this? How was he supposed to force Rachel to live with this?  
Maybe he should give Harvey a week and then tell him. It wouldn’t hurt less in a week, but at least Harvey got a full week of happiness before Mike shattered everything they had built together.  
After spending probably hours pacing the room, lying on the bed and mumbling to himself, Harvey finally called for him.  
Mike got up from his position on the bed and opened the drawer in his nightstand table.  
Inside was a gift, wrapped in a shiny golden paper and decorated with a white ribbon.  
He had bought it the other day, planning on giving it to Harvey as an anniversary gift, but he couldn't give it to him now. He just couldn't.  
So instead Mike closed the drawer and went to join Harvey.

Everything was perfect, from the decoration of the table to the food he'd been cooking.  
It was the most romantic dinner they've ever had and if it weren't for the guilt tearing him up inside he would have loved it.  
Now it was just painful, a big painful reminder of what he had thrown away over a stupid, drunken mistake.  
Mike kept a normal conversation during dinner, trying to hide that he was dying inside.  
When their plates were empty, Harvey went for a toast.  
Mike chuckled as he reminded him of their first meeting, it had been a very special day.  
“I couldn't live without you”  
The words created cracks in his facade and his eyes watered up.  
He couldn't do this, not now. He couldn't cry like a little baby, this was supposed to be a romantic evening. He could do this, he could make it through the night without breaking Harvey's heart.  
At least that's what he thought until Harvey continued his speech, he knew what those words meant and no, no, no this couldn't be happening.  
A tear managed to escape and roll down his cheek as Harvey got down on one knee.  
“Michael James Ross, will you marry me?”

He couldn't do this. He wanted to run and never look back, but he couldn't.  
A sob escaped him and before he could stop himself he broke down.  
Harvey looked confused as Mike continued to sob.  
“I messed up Harvey”  
Harvey was frozen on the spot, this was most likely not how he had planned for things to go.  
“I didn't go to my grandma yesterday, I stayed at Rachel's”  
“You messed up because you lied to me?”  
Harvey asked. Oh, that poor man his trust in Mike and his trust in Rachel was too great for him to be suspicious. This was going to break him.  
“I slept with Rachel”  
He sobbed and through his tears he could see the change in Harvey's face.  
It went from confusion to a mix of hurt and anger.  
The man got up and slammed the box down on the table.  
“Get out”  
His voice was low and menacing, almost like a growl.  
“Harvey, I am so sorry”  
“GET OUT!”  
His yell made Mike jump and he rose from his chair and left the apartment, not daring to look back.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I decided to continue this story since people seemed to like it. 
> 
> I was really struggling with this chapter.  
> My father recently passed away so I've been going trough a lot so it's been really hard to find the time an motivation for writing.   
> That being said it's far from the best chapter but I do hope that you will like it :)

Harvey froze when Mike suddenly started to sob, and he immediately started to panic.   
What had gone wrong? Did Mike not want to marry him? Or was there something else serious wrong?  
He was torn between staying on the ground, awaiting his answer and getting up to comfort his boyfriend, forgetting about the whole thing.   
“I messed up Harvey”  
The first thought that popped up in Harvey’s head was that the kid had done something stupid while drunk, like breaking the law or perhaps telling someone his secret.   
He was instantly calmed when Mike continued and confessed to his lie.   
Harvey wanted to laugh, it could have been so much worse than Mike just lying to him about his whereabouts.   
Besides he didn’t see the reason for Mike’s lie, he didn’t mind if his boyfriend chose to spend the night at Rachel’s.  
Mike and Rachel were best friends after all and he trusted them both.  
“You messed up because you lied to me?”  
He asked in confusion, he still couldn’t see why Mike would get so upset because of one little lie.   
The younger man looked at him and he could see the sadness in his eyes, but also something else, guilt or regret maybe or perhaps it was both?  
“I slept with Rachel”  
For a second Harvey just stared at him while he slowly processed what Mike had just admitted.  
He got up from his position on the floor and slammed the box on the table.  
“Get out”  
He growled but Mike had the nerve to try to apologize, as if that would make everything okay again, as if that would unbreak Harvey’s heart.   
“GET OUT!”  
He yelled and this time Mike listened and left the apartment without looking back.   
He waited until Mike had disappeared before he exploded, he grabbed the table and flipped it over, sending everything crashing to the floor.   
His anger disappeared and all he was left with was hurt. He fell to his knees and started to cry

Harvey stared into the fire as Donna wrapped a blanket around his shoulders.   
When he called her he hadn’t been able to formulate any words, instead he had just sobbed into the receiver but that was enough for Donna to drop everything and come over.   
She had been there in record time, probably breaking several traffic laws on her way over.  
Donna had just wrapped her arms around him, whispering soothing words as he cried until there were no tears left.   
Once he had calmed down he had told her everything and she was genuinely shocked by the story, not even Donna could have seen this one coming.   
She had known something was wrong, but she never suspected this, not from Mike and not from Rachel.   
She had trusted them just as much as Harvey had.   
Donna had helped him to the couch and then she got the fire started in the fireplace.   
She didn’t say anything, there was nothing she could say, so instead she just poured him a whiskey before leaning her head against his shoulder in a quiet show of support. 

The rest of the weekend passed in a blur and once Monday came along, Donna insisted for him to stay at home but he refused. He would drive himself crazy in that apartment, he needed to work in order to distract himself.   
Of course it was hard to distract himself from Mike when the man worked for him so the first thing he did was to go to Louis, and asking the man to take him.   
At first the man was gloating, teasing him for getting into a lovers quarrel but he must have seen something in Harvey’s pleading eyes that made him realize that this was serious.  
The smug smile disappeared and instead Louis promised, in a serious but kind, voice that he would take Mike for as long as it was needed.   
Harvey thanked the man while he wondered how long it was actually needed. Would he ever be able to work with Mike again, would he ever even be able to look at the man again without feeling the incredible pain that came with a heartbreak?

It was bad timing that led him to pass by Rachel’s office just as the woman placed her hand on Mike’s shoulder.  
If it had been just last week he wouldn’t have thought twice about it but now it felt as if he had just been stabbed right in the heart.  
He hurried away before Mike and Rachel could take their goddamn eyes off each other and see him.   
As he reached his office a sudden thought popped up in his head; what if Mike and Rachel became a couple?  
He didn’t know if he would be able to handle that, it would be pure torture for him.  
Harvey felt the tears burn in his eyes but he blinked them away, now was not the time or the place to cry like a little baby.  
He needed to maintain his image as a coldhearted, professional lawyer, even if he wanted nothing else but to fall apart.

Harvey looked up as he heard talking outside of his office.   
He saw Mike looking like he clearly had been on his way into the office and then Donna, who had gotten up from her desk, and was physically blocking Mike and thereby preventing him from entering the office.   
He couldn’t hear exactly what they were saying but they were clearly arguing, and then Donna said something that evidently hurt Mike in someway, seeing as the man’s expression changed from exasperated to upset.   
The young man looked up from Donna’s face and their eyes met. Mike gave him his sad, pleading puppy look that normally used to melt Harvey’s heart but now it only reminded him of how much his innocent, adorable little puppy had hurt him and how much the young man had thrown away.   
It was easy to look away from the puppy look and the next time he dared to look up, Mike was nowhere to be seen and Donna was yet again placed by the desk.

It was close to midnight when Harvey finally decided to leave his office. He had decided to stay and work until he was exhausted so that when he made it home he could fall asleep immediately without spending hours lying in bed thinking about Mike.  
Donna had left hours ago, she had offered to stay but Harvey had insisted that she should go home and get some rest.  
Luckily Mike hadn’t been back, Harvey didn’t want to talk to him right now or even see him.   
It just hurt too goddamn much.   
That’s why he sighed loudly when he heard Mike calling his name behind him.   
He had just reached the elevators and he pressed the button several times in an attempt to make the doors open faster.  
“Harvey, wait!”  
The man grabbed his arm but Harvey quickly shook him off and stepped into the elevator but before the doors could close, Mike put his foot in the way.   
“Please, Harvey. We need to talk”  
Mike begged but Harvey just shook his head.   
“There’s nothing to talk about Mike, we’re done”  
“But-”  
“DONE!”  
The younger man flinched at his sudden yell and backed away from him, letting the doors close.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to thank you for all the kind words regarding my father. It really warmed my heart.
> 
> I also got some new ideas on how this story is going to develop, so I am very glad that you guys convinced me to not give it up.  
> Thank you for that too :)

Mike hurried out of the condo and it wasn’t until he exited the building that he stopped.  
The tears were still rolling down his cheeks and he leaned against the wall as he let himself cry it out.   
Once he managed to calm down he started walking, but he didn’t know what his destination was.   
Where was he supposed to go?   
He had moved in with Harvey months ago so he no longer had his own apartment, Rachel’s place was no longer an option and he couldn’t tell his grandmother what had happened.   
Mike thought about spending the night at a hotel but he soon realized that he had left the apartment without bringing his wallet, his phone or even a coat to protect him against the chilly New York air.   
So eventually he decided to go to his grandmother after all.   
She could see on his face that he was upset from the second he walked into the room but when she asked he lied about them having a fight. His grandmother looked at him in a skeptical way, sensing that there was more to the story but thankfully she didn’t push him. 

Mike couldn’t fall asleep that night, every time he closed his eyes he saw Harvey’s face and he felt the guilt so strongly that he felt like throwing up.   
He somehow managed to get through the weekend and thankfully his grandmother had refrained from talking about Harvey, even if he saw that she desperately wanted to say something.   
It wasn’t until Monday morning, right before he left for work, that she actually said something.   
“Michael as much as I love having you around, I think you should patch it up with Harvey”  
“I will grammy”

 

It was hard walking towards Rachel’s office that Monday morning.   
Not only because seeing her would remind him about what had happened between them but also because he needed to talk to her about it.   
“Mike!”  
Rachel called out to him in a delighted tone and she got up from her chair when he walked in, closing the door behind him.   
“Rachel, we need to talk”  
Her smile faded and she nodded.  
“Of course”  
“I told Harvey everything, and he kicked me out”  
The woman took a step closer to him and placed her hand on his shoulder.   
“I’m sorry Mike”  
She said as if Harvey had been the one who was in the wrong, Mike had deserved to be kicked out.  
“You can stay at my place”  
She offered but Mike shook his head.   
“Rachel, I think we shouldn’t hang out for a while, for Harvey’s sake. I don’t want him to see us together and get the wrong idea. It was just a stupid mistake nothing else”  
For a second he saw something in Rachel’s eyes, something similar to disappointment, which caused him to wonder if Rachel had been hoping for something more to come out of this.   
But then she nodded.  
“Of course, it was just a stupid, drunken mistake”  
Maybe he had been mistaking and he hadn't seen that glimmer of disappointment in her eyes after all.

Mike hadn’t even had the chance to sit down before Louis dropped a mountain of casefiles on his desk.   
“I want these all proofed by tomorrow morning”  
Louis said and Mike looked at the pile in disbelief, it would take all day and then he would have to do Harvey’s work.  
“But Harvey-”  
He started but was quickly interrupted by the older man.  
“Listen I don’t know what kind of fight you and Harvey got into but he dumped you over on me, so right now you work for me. Got it?”  
Louis voice was calm and patient but Mike knew that the man would snap if he even thought about protesting one more time so he sat down and started working.  
It wasn’t until the man left the bullpen that he dared to stop.  
Mike got up and hurried over to Harvey’s office. He had thought that he would get a chance to talk to him during the day but since his boyfriend left him in Louis clutches, he simply had to walk over there himself.  
Donna was on her feet before he even reached the desk.  
“Mike don’t”  
She warned but Mike didn’t stop before she decided to actually step in front of him to block him.  
“Donna, I just want to talk Harvey”  
“He doesn’t want to talk to you right now”  
Mike released a frustrated sigh, he could easily push the secretary away but he knew better than to do that. Donna was a force to reckoned with and he would seriously regret pissing her off.  
“Please Donna, I just want to talk”  
“No”  
“Why can’t you just let me talk to him for just five minutes?”  
“Because he doesn’t want to and I’m going to respect that, because at least I care about him”  
Mike was taken aback by her words. He had made a huge mistake, yes, but it had never been because he didn’t care about Harvey.   
He looked up and saw Harvey looking at him. He silently begged the man to let him in but he just averted his gaze.  
“I do care about him Donna”  
Mike said in a low voice as the tears started to build up in his eyes.  
“Then you shouldn’t have broken his heart”  
He wiped at his eyes before he turned around and returned to his cubicle, his shoulders slumped in defeat.   
On his way he met Louis, who looked like he was just about to yell at him.   
“Not now Louis”  
He said, leaving the man bewildered.

Mike hadn’t planned to ambush Harvey, it had been completely by accident.   
He decided to stay as long as possible in order to avoid his grandmother and her questions. He really didn’t want to tell her what had happened, he really didn’t want to disappoint her.   
Mike was walking towards the elevators, lost in his thoughts, as he spotted a familiar figure.   
“Harvey!”  
He called out without receiving an answer from the man instead he just pressed the elevator button several times, making it clear that he wanted to get away.   
“Harvey, wait!”  
He said as he grabbed his arm but his boyfriend shook it off before going in to the elevator.   
Mike quickly used his foot to stop the elevator before begging the man to talk to him but Harvey responded by saying that they were done.   
No they couldn’t be done, they just couldn’t be.  
“But-“  
“DONE!”  
Harvey’s yell caused him to flinch and he backed away. The elevator door closed and his boyfriend…no his former boyfriend left him alone.   
Mike leaned against the wall as the tears formed in his eyes.   
If he really was falling out of love like Rachel said, why did it hurt this much to lose him?

The tears were still running down his face as he sneaked into the room, jumping as he saw his grandmother sitting up in bed, wide awake and staring at him.   
He had hoped that she would be asleep, why was she even awake in the middle of the night?  
“Grammy, are you alright?”  
He asked in a strained voice and Edith gave him a concerned smile.   
“I’m fine, but are you?”  
If Mike hadn’t been so caught up in his own problem he would have noticed the pain in his grammy’s eyes and he would have known that she was far from fine, but he didn’t.   
“Harvey and I broke up”  
He said sitting down on the bed. His grammy’s hand reached out and wiped the tears away from his cheeks.   
“What happened? Did he hurt you?”  
“No grammy. I hurt him”  
He confessed and she gave him a confused look. She had probably never pictured him as someone who hurt people. If only she knew how badly her grandson had messed up.  
“What did you do?”  
She asked in a kind tone and there was something in her voice that gave him the sudden need to confess to her. Maybe it wouldn’t be that bad after all. Maybe it was better to just confess and have it over with.   
“I cheated on him”  
It actually felt good to confess, until he looked up and saw the disappointed look on her face.   
He got up from the bed, he shouldn’t have told her after all. This was what he had been so afraid of. The disappointment.   
“Michael-“  
Whatever she was about to say was interrupted by Mike rushing out the door, slamming it shut behind him. 

Mike didn’t know where he was going and he frankly didn’t care. He just let his legs walk on their own accord while he tried to get his mind to think about something else than Harvey, but it was impossible.   
Suddenly he stopped and he looked around him, for a couple of seconds confused as to where he was.   
Then it hit him and he realized that this was his only option right now, if he didn’t want to spend his night at the office.   
He sighed before ringing the doorbell, waiting anxiously for it to open.   
Mike had promised Harvey and he had promised himself to never go back, it would only mean bad things.  
The door opened and the man looked confused for a second before grinning widely.  
“Mike!”  
The man threw his arms around him in a friendly hug and Mike returned it.   
“Hello, Trevor”


	9. Chapter 9

As soon as the elevator doors closed Harvey leaned against the wall, trying to keep himself together long enough to get home.   
The pain was unimaginable, despite that he was the one who officially announced them as done it hurt nevertheless because he still loved Mike so incredibly much.  
He somehow made it home in one piece and he just wanted to go to bed and escape reality for a while, but that plan was ruined by him spotting Mike’s phone and keys that was still placed on the nightstand.   
He suddenly felt the need to get rid of Mike from his home, and so he started to look for things that belonged to Mike. He just needed him to be gone from his apartment.  
He gathered all of Mike’s thing, everything from his clothes to his toothbrush, and placed it all in a big box.   
When he opened the drawer in the nightstand he found a gift, wrapped with a golden paper and decorated with a white ribbon.  
Harvey knew that he shouldn’t open it but his curiosity got the better of him.   
Inside was an expensive looking gold watch, nothing special really, at least that’s what he thought until he turned the watch around.   
The back of the watch was engraved with the words ‘Harvey, you’re the love of my life xo Mike’.   
Harvey would have loved the watch before but now it was like a knife through his heart, turns out that apparently, he wasn’t the love of Mike’s life after all.   
He threw the watch on the floor, stepping on it. The glass on the watch cracked and he picked up the now broken watch and threw it in with the other stuff.   
Harvey wanted Mike to find it and look at it as if it was a metaphor for how he had broken Harvey’s heart. 

For some reason, it was even harder going to work the next day and Harvey really wished that Mike didn’t work here.   
Normally when someone broke your heart, you tried your best to distance yourself from them but Harvey couldn’t do that.  
At the same time he couldn’t get Mike fired either, he knew how much he needed this job for his grandmother’s sake.   
So, in the end he had no other choice than to suffer, he just had to hope that it would get easier with time.   
When he reached his office he handed Mike’s phone and keys over to Donna, asking her to give them to Mike. He couldn’t do it himself, he just couldn’t. He also told her to inform Mike that there was a box with his stuff in the apartment and if he wanted it, he’d have to pick it up before the end of day.   
The sooner he could get Mike out of his apartment, the sooner he could start to get over their life together. 

He walked into the bathroom, and of course Louis had to be there. The man was washing his hands as he spotted Harvey and smiled at him.   
“Hey Harvey”  
“Hi Louis”  
Harvey walked to one of the sinks and brought some cold water to his face, trying to make himself look as if he wasn’t going through the worst days in his entire life.   
“So, when are you going to reclaim Mike?”  
“Mike and I are done”  
Harvey answered with a sigh before wiping his face off with a paper towel.   
“Done workwise or-“  
“We’re done in every way”  
“Oh…Harvey, I am sorry”  
“Thanks Louis”  
Louis patted his shoulder before he left the bathroom, maybe the man wasn’t that bad after all.   
Harvey was actually feeling a little bit better as he left the bathroom but of course that didn’t last long. It was like the Universe wanted him to be miserable.   
On his way back to his office he ran into Rachel, of all the people that could be walking in the hallway right now it had to be her.   
The paralegal smiled at him, as if nothing ever happened.   
“Hello Harvey”  
“Hi Rachel”  
It was easier to just respond and then walk away instead of causing a scene, but Rachel didn’t think that the simple greeting was enough. He was about to walk away when she managed to stop him in his tracks.   
“I think you shouldn’t be too hard on Mike.”  
He turned around in disbelief, she was asking him not to be too hard on Mike? After what they had done?  
“I shouldn’t be too hard on him? Did you miss the part where he cheated on me? Of course, you didn’t since you were the one who slept with my boyfriend!”  
A few passing people turned their heads and looked at them but Harvey couldn’t care less right now.   
He had really tried to bury his anger and be civil but Rachel managed to press just the right button.  
The anger flared up in him and he just wanted to yell at her.  
Rachel had broken his heart just as Mike had, after all it had been a mutual decision to do what they did.   
“I did it because he was falling out of love”  
All of his anger dissipated and instead he just looked at her in shock.   
“What?”  
“I’m sorry Harvey, but Mike told me that he was falling out of love”  
Harvey had thought that everything was good between them, he had thought that Mike loved him just as much as he had loved Mike. It turns out that he was wrong all along.   
While he loved Mike with all his heart, Mike had started to lose his feelings for him.   
While Harvey was planning a wonderful future, Mike was off cheating on him.   
The man didn’t even bother telling him what was going on, instead he just lied about just being tired before breaking Harvey’s heart completely.   
He turned around and walked back to his office while his vision got blurry with tears. 

As if things couldn’t get worse, Mike was standing by Donna’s desk.   
By the time he reached them, tears were rolling down his cheeks which was most likely the cause for Mike and Donnas matching set of shocked faces.   
“Harvey, are you okay?”  
Donna asked but Harvey ignored her, instead he just looked right into Mike’s blue eyes.   
“You were falling out of love with me?”  
He asked, his voice sounding so broken that he couldn’t believe that it was his own voice.   
Mike looked even more shocked, probably not expecting Rachel to tell him.   
“Harvey I-“  
“You could have just told me that you didn’t love me anymore”  
Harvey said before passing his ex-boyfriend and walking into his office, collapsing on the couch.   
He buried his head in his hands as he silently cried, right now he didn’t care who could see him breaking apart.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the absence, I've just been really low lately and it's been hard to find the motivation to write, but I finally managed to get a chapter together and I hope you will like it :)

It felt weird seeing Trevor again after all this time, especially considering how they had parted.   
Harvey had helped him see that Trevor was in fact an anchor and Mike had told Trevor that they were done, which hadn’t been easy to do. Trevor might have been an anchor, but in the end, he had been his best friend as well.   
Trevor had not responded well to Mike’s word and it had all ended up in a big fight where they said things that they could never take back.   
That’s why he also was surprised that Trevor didn’t seem to hold any grudge, but instead he welcomed Mike with open arms and when he asked if he could stay here for a while, the man didn’t even hesitate to say yes.   
Trevor offered him a cold beer and when Mike said that he didn’t want to talk about it, Trevor didn’t push it. Maybe Trevor wasn’t an anchor after all, maybe he had changed. 

He had barely sat down at his cubicle when Donna walked into the bullpen, as if she had known the exact second he would show up.   
Mike gave her a smile that she didn’t return, instead she just dropped a handful of items on the desk. His wallet, his phone and his keys.   
“There’s a box of your stuff at Harvey’s apartment.”  
It felt weird how ‘the apartment’ had yet again turned into ‘Harvey’s apartment’.   
“Pick it up before the end of the day.”  
Donna added in a monotone voice before turning around and starting to walk away.   
“Wait!”  
Despite Mike’s call, she did not stop and Mike put his things in his pockets before rushing after her.   
The secretary didn’t stop or even slow down until she reached her desk.   
“What do you want Mike?”  
That was a good question, what did he want? He didn’t really know what he wanted, he just didn’t want things to be this messed up.   
“It’s really over?”  
He asked, his voice breaking slightly and Donna’s expression softened slightly.   
“It’s over, I’m sorry but you’ve only got yourself to blame”  
She was right of course, it was all his fault and he would hate himself for the rest of his life for screwing this up. Despite the fact that he deserved all of this, he really didn’t want to accept that they really were done, that they were broken beyond repair.   
“Harvey’s coming you should-“  
Donna stopped and she suddenly looked shocked. Mike turned his head towards Harvey and saw the reason for her expression. Harvey was approaching them with tears running down his cheeks, it was rare to see the man cry but Harvey would never cry at the office which meant that whatever it was that upset him was bad, really bad.   
Mike had to resist the urge to touch him, to comfort him while Donna asked him if he was okay.   
The man ignored her however and instead he turned to Mike and he could see the pure agony in his eyes.   
“You were falling out of love with me?”  
His voice was so low and broken that it was hard to believe that it was the great Harvey Specter talking to him.   
“Harvey I-“  
“You could have just told me that you didn’t love me anymore”  
Mike couldn’t believe that Rachel had told Harvey that, especially since it wasn’t the truth.   
“I think you should leave”  
Donna said, all kindness gone from her voice. The secretary got up from her desk and gave Mike one last angry glare before she walked into Harvey’s office. 

Mike stormed into Rachel’s office and she had the nerve to smile at him as if nothing had happened.   
“Hi Mike”  
She greeted as if she hadn’t just made this whole messed up situation even worse.   
“Why did you tell Harvey that I was falling out of love with him?”  
He asked surprisingly calm considering the fact that he really wanted to scream at her.  
“Don’t you think he deserves to know the truth?”  
“But it’s not the truth!”  
He said, raising his voice slightly.   
Rachel got up from her desk and walked over to him, placing her hand on his arm.   
“You told me that you were”  
Mike might have been far from sober that night but he had gone over the events over and over again in his mind and one thing he knew for sure is that he had never said those words.   
“You suggested it but I never confirmed it”  
“I think your actions that night did”  
Mike couldn’t believe that Rachel delivered that sentence with a smile and a flirty look and he immediately shook her hand off him.   
“Well you’re wrong”  
He said before he stormed out of her office again, too angry to continue the conversation.  
The day had just begun but Mike had already had enough, he just couldn’t stay here any longer so he left the building, not caring about the consequences. 

Mike walked into Trevor’s living room, carrying the box from Harvey in his arms.   
It had been hard walking into the condo knowing that it was no longer his home and that he would probably never see it again.   
He had walked around the condo for a while, as if trying to memorize every single detail of Harvey’s home and it had been with great pain that he finally had forced himself to leave the apartment for good.   
“That bad, huh?”  
Mike looked up and saw Trevor sitting on the couch, a lit joint in his hands and an intense stare focused on the box.   
“Yeah, it’s that bad”  
He answered before placing the box on the floor before sitting down on the couch next to Trevor.   
“You want to talk about it?”  
Mike could still remember the disappointment in his grandmother’s eyes and he really wasn’t up for seeing it again but at the same time Trevor was now the only friend he had left and he really didn’t feel like going through this alone.  
When Mike nodded Trevor offered him a joint and Mike accepted, desperate for something to make him feel better.


	11. Chapter 11

He heard the door to the office open and seconds later Donna was sitting down on the couch next to him.  
The secretary didn’t say anything, she just put her arms around him and let him cry it out.  
When he was done, he got up and continued working as if nothing had happened and Donna did the same. Harvey had to love her for that, she somehow always knew exactly what he needed and she was there for him without any judgement.  
She spent the rest of the day guarding his office like a dog, chasing away Louis and even Jessica, sensing that he was not in the mood to deal with people today.  
At the end of the day she placed a gentle hand on his shoulder.  
“I’ll be just a text away”  
She said and he knew that she really meant it. If he needed her, she would drop everything and come rushing to his side.

When he got home he found a key, Mike’s apartment key, in his maildrop and when he got inside he saw that the box was gone.  
This is what he had wanted, he had wanted for Mike to be out of here, but it still didn’t stop him from feeling that something was missing and that his apartment felt cold and empty.  
He wondered how long it would take for that feeling to go away, if it would ever go away.  
Would he ever stop thinking of Mike?  
Would he ever be able to love anyone else?  
It felt absolutely impossible to find anyone even half as good as Mike.  
Harvey shook his head and forced himself to push away the thoughts, trying to think about literally anything but Mike.  
Constantly thinking about his ex wouldn’t do him any good and it definitely wouldn’t help him get over him and mend his heart back together.  
He simply needed to learn how to live alone again, it wouldn’t be easy but he would do it somehow, he had no other choice.  
After cooking up a quick dinner for one, he changed his clothes and he went outside and ran.  
He ran and ran until his legs felt like rubber and then he ran a little more until he could barely take another step.  
After releasing all that energy and after taking a long, hot shower Harvey didn’t feel that bad anymore and he could even sit down with a glass of whiskey and a book without thinking of Mike.  
At least that’s what he thought until he checked his phone and for some reason decided it was a good idea to go to his photos.  
He had been so busy cleaning out Mike from his apartment that he hadn’t even thought about cleaning him out from his phone.  
The healthy thing would be to just delete all the photos and to forget about their existence, but for some reason he couldn’t do that.  
The newest picture was just a week or two old taken by Mike one early morning before work.  
Harvey was looking into the camera with a tired smile while he had his hand around Mike’s waist as the younger man gave the camera an adorable smile.  
It was the last part that really got to him. The smile.  
Was the smile even real or was it just Mike faking his happiness?  
He was suddenly hit with all the feelings he had been trying to repress since that morning and without giving it a second thought he sent a text to Donna, asking her to come over.  
He received an okay just seconds later and he put the phone aside. 

The words on the page blurred together and no matter how many times he wiped the tears away, they kept coming back.  
He finally gave the book up, after reading the same sentence for the fifth time and instead he tried to focus on his whiskey but his fingers kept itching and it was like his entire body was screaming at him to grab his phone again.  
After downing the alcohol, he found himself scrolling through the photos again, slowly going back in time and seeing their happy smiles in almost every single picture.  
What scared him was that Mike’s smile didn’t change through time, and there was not a single thing in the pictures revealing what the man was really thinking.  
When did Mike start to fall out of love with him?  
How long had the man been unhappy and just faking his smile?  
And most importantly how did Harvey not notice?  
Harvey had been so sure that they were made for each other, he had been so sure that they had been soulmates and that he knew Mike better than anyone.  
In the end he hadn’t even noticed when the love of his life stopped loving him back.  
He scrolled through the pictures, wondering for each and every one if the smile was real or fake.  
At some point the tears started to roll down his cheeks and then he was suddenly struggling to breathe.  
His hands were slowly starting to feel numb while the panic washed over him, and he let the phone fall to the ground as he started to hyperventilate.  
The world was slowly starting to float away from him and for a second he wondered if he was dying until something grabbed his hands and the world came crashing back.  
Donna was looking at him with concerned eyes, he hadn’t even heard her come in.  
“It’s okay. I’m here”  
She said while she rubbed her thumbs over his hands and then asked him to copy her breathing.  
It was hard but he finally managed to breathe just as calm and deep as her and the panic disappeared just as quickly as it came.  
Donna spotted the phone on the ground and she instantly understood and pocketed it to prevent him from going back into that deep, dark hole.  
She sat down next to him on the couch, just like she had in the office this morning, but this time she put her arm around his shoulders and then gently pushed his head down to rest on her shoulder.  
She pressed a gentle kiss on the top of his head, reminding him of his mother when he was younger before she ripped his family apart in the same manner that Mike had ripped their relationship apart.  
“You’ll be alright, just not tonight”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally managed to get another chapter together and hope you will like it.   
> I would also like to take the time to wish you a merry Christmas (or happy holidays if you don’t celebrate Christmas) :D

It was just supposed to be one joint, he had promised Harvey a long time ago to quit smoking pot and despite the fact that they were no longer a couple, he still wanted to honor that promise.   
Trevor however acted as a devil on his shoulder, insisting that he should smoke another one and when he couldn’t find the strength to turn it down, he knew he was hooked again.   
It was exactly how he got hooked the first time, he had just wanted to try one but then Trevor insisted on ‘just another one’.   
Mike could clearly hear Harvey’s voice in his head telling him that Trevor was nothing but an anchor that would drag him down yet again, but the more he smoked and the more he drank the easier it got to ignore the voice.   
His friend might be an anchor, but at least he was still his friend and he didn’t judge him for the mistake that he’d done.

When Mike woke up the next day he wanted nothing else than to skip work and sleep the whole day away but he had already left early yesterday and you had to actually go to your job in order to keep it.   
He reminded himself that he needed this job for his grandmother’s sake, in order to give her the best possible care.  
So he forced himself to get out of the warm, comfortable bed and ride his bike to the firm.   
Just as he had expected he saw Louis waiting for him as soon as he entered the bullpen. The man was leaning against Mike’s desk, with his arms crossed and a smug look on his face.   
Mike sighed, ‘it’s for grammy’ he reminded himself before walking over to face the music.   
Louis started to go off on him, scolding him as if he had been a disobedient puppy but Mike didn’t really pay attention to his words, instead he just kept his eyes down to give the man the illusion that he felt guilty. He thought that Louis would leave when he was done with his yelling, just like he always did but the man surprised him by suddenly lowering his voice, so that the other associates wouldn’t hear him.  
“Listen, I know you and Harvey are going through a rough patch and therefore I’m going to let this whole thing slide, but don’t let this become a habit.”  
Mike stared at the man in surprise, he honestly didn’t know that Louis was capable of feeling sympathy or that the man even understood the basic concept of feelings.   
Louis gave him a small smile before barking at the other associates to get back at work and then storming off, leaving Mike alone with a stack of folders.  
He opened one of them and stared at the documents inside, but his mind screamed at him that he really didn’t want to do this. It was like all the passion he felt for the law was completely gone, and if it hadn’t been for his grandmother he would have walked out of the building to never return.   
Mike had a hard time focusing and he felt himself doing a sloppy job but he couldn’t really care.   
Despite the fact that he was slacking off, he knew that his work would still be better than most of the other associates, so for now he wasn’t too worried about being chewed out by Louis.

The time went by incredibly slow and it felt like the day would never end, but after what felt like an eternity it finally did and Mike could return to Trevor’s home.  
He sat down on the couch with a sigh, accepting the offered joint without any hesitation, feeling all the tension leave his body as the drug entered it.   
At least it couldn’t get worse now he thought, but that was of course Trevor decided to open his mouth and prove that thought wrong.   
“I stopped by the firm today.”  
Trevor said casually and Mike instantly got a bad feeling about it. Trevor wouldn’t stop by his workplace without a reason and since he hadn’t been by Mike’s cubicle, it could only mean that he had been there to see someone else.   
“I talked to Rachel and man, she seems really into you.”  
Mike released a frustrated sigh, why did Trevor felt the need to meddle in his private life?  
Things were already really complicated, and the last thing he needed was for Trevor to make things even worse.  
“So?”  
“Listen Mike, I’m just saying that you’ve got a very hot woman that really likes you, and she might be your best chance at getting over Harvey.”  
“I don’t like Rachel like that.”  
“Oh, come on! There had to have been some attraction for you two to get into bed together.”  
Mike averted his gaze, Trevor was right that it had been some attraction between the two of them that night, but Mike had never ever seen her as anything else than his friend.   
Rachel had always been just a friend in the same way that Trevor had always been just a friend, and even the thought of having a relationship with the paralegal felt incredibly wrong.   
“You know, I already talked to Harvey about it, and he would totally okay with you guys dating.”  
“You what?!”  
Mike must have heard him wrong, surely not even Trevor could be that stupid.  
“Michael, I am just trying to help you.”  
“By making things even worse than they’re already are?!”   
“No by helping you move on.”  
Mike got up from the couch and started to pace the room while running his hands through his hair in a frustrated manner. How in the world could Trevor think that asking Harvey, the man who had just gotten his heart broken, if it was okay for him that his ex started dating the girl he cheated on him with, was a way to help?  
“Honestly Mike, I just think it’s time for you to move on, because he is done with you.”  
“Shut up, Trevor.”  
“There’s no hope for you guys, Mikey. He’s never going to take you back, and to me it seems that he has already moved on, Maybe he never really loved you.”  
Mike knew that at this point Trevor was just saying that to make him believe that he should move on from Harvey, at least he hoped that was the case and that Trevor wasn’t really that coldhearted, but that didn’t stop him from punching Trevor right in his stupid face.   
He had seen Harvey’s breakdown after Rachel made him believe that Mike had stopped loving him, and it was still replaying over and over again in his head, torturing him.   
Even if Trevor didn’t mean that last part, it really sent him over the edge because if there was one thing that was certain in all of this, it was that Harvey had loved Mike to the moon and back.  
Trevor looked at him as he gathered his things and rushed out of the apartment, berating himself for ever thinking that Trevor was his friend.   
He made himself a promise, that no matter what happened in his life he would never ever be stupid enough to talk to Trevor Evans ever again.

Mike hadn’t even made it a meter from Trevor’s apartment building when his phone rang.   
Assuming it was Trevor trying to get him to come back, he answered it with an angry voice.   
“What do you want?!”  
The voice on the other end sounded very surprised and Mike wanted to kick himself for not looking at the display before answering the call.   
He apologized to the caller, explaining that he had just been in a fight with a friend.   
All the anger he felt at Trevor disappeared as the caller stated the reason for the call and within seconds he was running toward the street, trying to hail a cab.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! I got really inspired all of the sudden and managed to get another chapter together and I hope you will like. 
> 
> I would like to thanks for all the comments and kudos and then I would also like to wish you all a happy new year and hope that 2018 will be a great year for all of us :D

After his panic attack Donna stayed with Harvey and they spent the whole night talking, about work, about the past, basically about anything that wasn’t Mike.   
Then he had given her the very important job of moving all the pictures from his phone and storing them on a flash drive that she would keep until he was ready to look at them again.   
Despite everything that had gone down between them, he didn’t want to just delete the pictures because there were good memories there too, he was just too blinded by his pain to see them.   
Since his panic attack he had also become very afraid of even thinking about Mike, scared of having another one.   
His fear was valid considering he got another panic attack just the next day, caused by none other than Trevor Evans. 

The man had walked into his office as if he owned the place and sat down in his couch with a smug look on his voice. Harvey looked at Donna’s desk but found it vacant, meaning that Trevor had either been really lucky to show up at the exact moment Donna took a break or he had been waiting for it, he guessed that it was the latter.   
Harvey was not a fan of Trevor since the man always came with trouble.  
It made him worry about Mike, even if Mike was a big boy and could take care of himself, because if Trevor dared to show up again it meant that Mike had crawled back to him.   
“What do you want?”  
He asked, not even trying to hide his dislike for the man.   
“I just wanted to chat.”  
Trevor said with an innocent smile but Harvey was well aware of the fact that nothing with Trevor was ever that simple. He wanted something, or he wanted to create chaos.   
It was simply what Trevor did.   
“Mike told me about you two and it really sucks man.”  
Harvey sighed and leaned back in his chair, did the man really come here just to rub it in his face?   
“Did you actually want something?”  
“Yeah, I wanted your blessing.”  
“Blessing of what?”  
Trevor got up from the couch and instead walked over to the desk, way too close to Harvey if you’d ask him.   
“For Mike and Rachel dating of course. It’s a little awkward situation I know, but they really are madly in love.”  
“Mike can do whatever he wants, I don’t really care.”  
It really hurt to say those words but he couldn’t let Trevor see any of his weakness. He couldn’t tell if Trevor was here to create chaos or if he had really been sent to ask for the blessing.   
He knew that Mike wouldn’t want to hurt him like that but at the same time he had seen them together in Rachel’s office and since then he had feared that they would become a couple.   
“Thanks man, Mike will be ecstatic.”  
Trevor patted his shoulder before he strolled out of his office.   
Harvey desperately tried to tell himself that Trevor was lying, he just wanted to make things worse as he always did, but his body wouldn’t listen to him.   
The first sign was the tightening in his chest and the difficulty to breathe.   
He felt the panic overtake him, his hands went numb and so did his lips until yet again a couple of warm hands grab his and force him back to reality.   
“What happened?”  
Donna asked after she had managed to calm him down.   
“Trevor happened.”  
He answered before pouring a glass of whiskey to calm his nerves.   
“What did that bastard want?”  
“He asked for my blessing for Rachel and Mike dating.”  
Donna was silent for a couple of seconds before she put a friendly hand on his shoulder and gave it a soft squeeze.   
“I don’t think Mike would do that to you.”  
“Me neither, but I’m not sure if I know Mike anymore. I’m honestly starting to doubt if I ever knew him at all.”

As time went by it became a little easier to think about Mike without being overwhelmed with emotions, especially since he hadn’t stopped by his office even once for the past week.   
Part of him was happy because maybe he had finally understood that Harvey needed some space, but part of him was worried because maybe Trevor hadn’t been lying and Mike was hanging around Rachel’s office instead.   
He didn’t even think about any other alternative until he ran into Louis by the elevators.   
“Hey, I know you’re not a thing anymore but you wouldn’t happen to know where golden boy is?”  
“Why, did you lose him already?”  
Harvey asked, as if Mike was a puppy that had managed to run away from his master, but Louis didn’t look amused at all, but then again did the man ever?  
“He hasn’t showed up for work at all for a week now and he won’t answer his phone.”  
All the amusement disappeared from Harvey as well and he felt worried instead. Sure, Mike was no longer his problem but he still cared about him.   
If Trevor was back in the picture then chances were that Mike was in Trevor’s apartment being high as a kite, but there was always a chance that something bad had happened and no one had cared enough to check up on him.  
He left Louis without answering him and rushed to Rachel’s office, for once actually hoping that she and Mike had been spending time together so he could stop worrying.  
“Have you seen Mike recently?”  
He asked, without even knocking on the door before entering.   
“No, I haven’t talked to him in a while. We’re not friends anymore.”  
She sounded genuine and it did still Harvey’s worry about Trevor telling the truth, but it did nothing to ease his mind about the possibility of Mike being in trouble.

Harvey had really hoped to find a stoned Mike in Trevor’s apartment but all he found was a stoned Trevor that promised that he hadn’t seen Mike since they had an argument a week back.   
Rachel hadn’t seen him, neither had Trevor, Donna or him which meant that there was only Mike’s grandmother left on the short list of the people close to Mike.  
Harvey walked into the nursing home, looking around as if he would find Mike sitting somewhere.   
A middle-aged woman greeted him with a friendly smile, he recognized her from the several visits he and Mike had done together but he couldn’t remember her name.   
“I’d like to talk to Edith Ross, please.”  
He asked and the woman’s smile disappeared.   
“Oh, I’m sorry Mr. Specter, didn’t Mike tell you?”  
“Tell me what?”  
“Edith Ross passed away a week ago.”  
Harvey thanked her, or at least he think that he thanked her it was hard to tell when the panic was starting to build up again.  
He had to push the panic away, this was not the right time for panicking.   
When he made it outside he managed to get his phone out of his pocket, despite his shaking hands, and call Donna.  
“Mike’s grandma died and now he’s missing.”  
He told her and Donna immediately dropped everything and asked what she could do.  
Harvey had a really bad feeling about this, Mike’s grandmother, the only family he got left, died a week ago and since then no one had seen the kid.   
That wasn’t good, not good at all.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys I’m back.  
> I apologize for the absence, I’ve just been struggling a lot with my depression lately so it’s been hard to find the motivation to write.  
> That being said I can’t say that this is the best I’ve ever written but I did my best and hopefully you’ll like it. 
> 
>  
> 
> Just to be safe I do want to put a TW for suicidal thoughts here.

The words kept repeating in his head, they had found his grandmother struggling to breathe, she had been brought to the hospital but it didn’t look good.  
It felt as if his whole world came crashing down on him, and he felt as if he would pass out any second now. The cab driver kept looking over his shoulder and repeatedly ask if he was alright and Mike kept answering with a ‘yeah’ or maybe it just came out as a grunt, he couldn’t really tell.  
Suddenly a strong hand touched his leg and he looked up to see that the driver was looking at him with a worried look on his face.  
“I said we’re here, mister.”  
Mike looked out the window and saw that they were indeed outside the hospital.  
He reached into his pocket and retrieved his wallet, managing to grab some cash and hand it to the driver. He wasn’t sure how much money it was but the driver seemed satisfied, so he got out of the car and he miraculously made it inside, despite the fact that his legs felt like jelly  
The nurse wouldn’t give him any information, she just asked him to sit down and wait, but he couldn’t so instead he just started pacing the waiting room, much to the annoyance of the other people in the room.  
It was only an hour or so before a doctor showed up to talk to him, but to Mike it felt like it had been an eternity.  
He immediately asked about his grandmother and the doctor decided to pull him aside, which was the first sign that it was bad.  
The second sign was the look in the doctor’s eyes, even if her face was serious and professional, her eyes betrayed her.  
Mike knew that she would tell him that it was bad, he just didn’t expect for it to be that bad.  
The words “I’m sorry for your loss” brought his whole world to a standstill, and if the doctor said anything else, he didn’t hear it.  
For a few seconds he just stood there and stared at her while his mind tried to desperately process the information, but then it really hit him, and it hit him hard.  
He fell to the ground as harsh, heartwrenching sobs escaped him.  
It was as if the last piece of him broke, during a short period of time he had lost Harvey and then Donna in the process, he had lost Rachel and he had even lost Trevor, and now his grandmother was gone too.  
The last part of his family was now gone, wiped from this earth, and he no longer had Harvey to hold him or even a friend who’s shoulder he could cry on. He was all alone, he had no one. 

When his breakdown was over, he was left with that empty, numb feeling and he slowly got up from the floor, brushing himself off as if he hadn’t just completely fallen apart in front of everybody.  
The autopilot was turned on and the next hours passed in a blur.  
He signed some papers, although he had no idea what they said, and he was let into his grandmother’s room at the nursing home to pack up all her stuff.  
Mike lost count of how many people, both employees and residents, who came to offer their condolences. He just nodded and thanked them, even if he felt a sudden anger towards them.  
He wondered how many of them actually knew his grandmother, and how many of them said something just because they felt like they had to.  
It was also anger over the fact that the employees would go home to their families, the residents would be visited by their children and grandchildren while Mike didn’t have a home or family to go to.  
It wasn’t their fault at all, but it didn’t make him any less angry. It just wasn’t fair that this happened to him and not them.  
Perhaps this was his punishment, he had caused other people so much misery so maybe it wasn’t more than right that he became miserable too. 

The numbness was still present as he staggered into the hotel room, which made it easy for him to fall asleep and sleep peacefully through the night.  
When he woke up the next morning, his first thought was denial because his grammy couldn’t be gone, she just couldn’t be.  
The thought of her being gone forever felt so unrealistic that it had to have been a dream.  
Mike slowly sat up in bed and looked over by the dresser where he’d placed the box yesterday, and it was still there, it wasn’t magically gone and yesterday hadn’t magically been turned into a dream.  
Despite seeing the box with his own two eyes, every part of his body was denying the fact that she was gone, she was supposed to be there for him just like she had always been.  
His grandmother had always been around, even before his parents’ deaths, she had always been just a call away and she had always been there when he needed someone to talk to.  
It didn’t feel right that if he called no one would answer, or that when he needed her, she could no longer be there.

It was the denial that made him return to the nursing home, there was still a part of him believing that it had all been a dream despite the clear evidence against it.  
He opened the door but instead of seeing his grandmother lying in her bed alive and well, he saw an empty bed in an empty room.  
Mike wasn’t sure how long he had been standing there, staring into the empty room, when a hand was placed on his shoulder and he jumped slightly before realizing that it was just one of the nurses.  
“Are you okay?”  
She asked in a gentle, caring voice and he nodded.  
“I’m fine, I just-“  
He interrupted himself when he realized that he didn’t know what he should say, if he said he was here to see if his grandmother was still alive, it would make him sound crazy.  
The nurse however seemed to understand because she just gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze before telling him to take the time he needed before she walked away.  
Mike suddenly found himself unable to look at the empty bed for even a second more, and he left the nursing home again knowing that it was the last time he walked out those doors.  
As he sat down in the taxi, his phone started to vibrate in his pocket and he frowned, wondering who would be calling him.  
It wasn’t until he read the name ‘Louis’ on the display that he remembered that he actually had a job that he was supposed to be at hours ago.  
For a second he thought about answering, but he didn’t feel like telling Louis what had happened, he wasn’t sure he could even say the words ‘my grandmother died’ without falling apart besides he didn’t think that Louis would even care.  
He turned the phone to silent before putting it back in his pocket, not caring at all if he would get fired or not.  
Grammy had been the reason for him working there in the first place, but now he no longer had to pay the nursing home bills, so he might as well get fired since Harvey didn’t want him around anyway. 

He ended up visiting both the coffee cart guy and the liquor store before he returned to the hotel room.  
The drugs and alcohol were there to help ease the anger that was supposed to come after the shock and the denial.  
At least it was supposed to come next if you looked up the stages of grief, just like he had done when after his parents died in order to prepare himself for what he was going to go through.  
No one ever told him that the stages weren’t linear, no one ever told him that you jumped between them and that you could never predict what happened next, and this time was no different.  
Instead of feeling the anger he just jumped back to the shocked numbness that had consumed him yesterday and in a way he was fine with that.  
Numbness was great because it hurts a lot less to just not feel anything at all.  
It didn’t last for long though, the second he placed his head on his pillow, the image of his grandmother popped up in his mind and no matter how hard he tried to make it go away, he couldn’t.  
He couldn’t stop thinking about how her smile could light up an entire room or how her laugh was contagious to anyone who heard it.  
Mike would never hear that laugh again, and even if he had a great memory he worried that one day he would forget what it sounded like.  
Inevitably he ended up thinking about the last time he saw her and that was the thought that erased the numbness, and instead of feeling nothing, he felt everything.  
His grandmother had died being disappointed in him, she had died knowing that her grandson was a horrible human being that had completely broken the heart of the man he loved.  
It was like a curse that when he lost someone, he had a bad last meeting.  
He had been annoyed with his parents and hadn’t even said goodbye to them and now his grandmother had died after he confessed what he’d done and then he left without a goodbye.  
The thoughts of his grandmother mixed with the thoughts of his parents became too much for him and he grabbed a bottle of vodka and started to drink.  
He drank until there were no more thoughts, no more feelings and no more pain.

Mike dangled his legs as he sat perched upon the small rooftop wall, looking down at the street.  
He took another swig of the bottle, desperately trying to kill the pain inside of him.  
He didn’t know how much time had passed since his grandmother’s death, he had lost track of time and the days had all blurred together.  
He had only left the hotel to stock up on the alcohol and drugs, and then he had been by the funeral home, once again going on autopilot as he planned the funeral and picked the coffin, without a single clue what his grandmother would have wanted.  
They had never discussed it, Mike had never even wanted to imagine this situation before.  
His phone had been on silent since he left the nursing home and he hadn’t even bothered checking it, he didn’t care about his job and he guessed that by this point he was fired anyway.  
The thought of no longer having a job didn’t bother him at all, it was the least important of all the things he had lost.  
Mike looked down at the street again and not for the first time he thought about just jumping, about just ending this pain once and for all.  
It was a very impulsive thought he knew that but at the same time he didn’t really have anything to live for anymore, and it would just hurt to continue.  
It would just be better without him around, he knew that people still cared about him even if he hurt them but he didn’t deserve that, they were better off without him even if they didn’t know it yet.  
He looked down at the street again and it seemed to be calling him and without thinking he stood up, the amount of alcohol in his system causing him to sway and almost fall down.  
“Are you going to jump?”  
A voice suddenly asked but Mike had no idea where it came from, or if it was even real.  
“Yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have never portrayed grief or suicidal thoughts before so both were purely based on my own experiences. I do hope that I managed to make it seem realistic.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for another long wait, I’m still struggling with my mental health at the same time a lot of things are going on in my life but I will try to update sooner next time.  
> As always thanks for all the comments/kudos it always makes me very happy.  
> All mistakes are still mine.

Following a hunch, Harvey visited the coffee cart guy and after describing Mike to him, the guy could confirm that Mike had been by a couple of times. That made him feel hopeful, well at least until the guy said that he couldn’t remember when he’d last seen him.   
Harvey got back in his car, but the new information did not make him feel any better than before, because sure that meant that at least Mike was still alive and still in the area, but now Harvey knew that he was back on weed, he was grieving and he was all alone.   
That combo made Harvey’s stomach turn and he didn’t even want to think of all the stupid and potentially dangerous situations that Mike could get in when he was in this mindset.  
Harvey hadn’t forgiven Mike, and he wasn’t sure if he ever would, but that didn’t mean that he would just sit on the sidelines while the man that he still loved so incredibly much were going through so much pain.

Eventually he was forced to go home, realizing that he didn’t know any other place where Mike could be and despite her best efforts, Donna still hadn’t found anything that might tell them where he was.   
He was tempted to pour himself a glass of whiskey to calm his nerves but decided against it since he wanted to be clear minded and ready to drive if Donna called with some update.   
So, instead he sat on his couch staring into the fireplace until 1 am which was when he realized that there was not going to be any news on Mike today.  
Harvey went to bed but it was hard to fall asleep, his mind kept on showing him different scenarios which was all from Mike having a secret friend that he was getting high with to him lying dead in a ditch somewhere.   
He wished that Mike would have gone to him when he found out about his grandmother, but at the same time he wasn’t sure how he would have reacted.   
If Mike had shown up and told him, would he have been able to be there for Mike despite everything going on between them or would he just have sent him away to grieve on his own?

After a restless night with little sleep, Harvey spent the entire day at the office feeling like a zombie and even if he was working he didn’t know what he was working on, his body was on autopilot.   
Donna was doing her best to find anything about where Mike could be, but for each hour that passed Harvey started to lose more and more hope.   
By the time he decided to leave the office, which was around 8PM, he had lost all hope of locating Mike and he had started to accept the fact that Mike was gone and they all just had to hope that he was okay.   
Donna, however, had not given up yet and she suddenly came rushing into his office just as he was ready to leave.   
“I know where Mike is!”  
She exclaimed and handed him a post-it note with a hotel and its address written on it.   
“How did you get this information?”  
Harvey asked, yet again amazed by his secretary’s skills. Donna didn’t answer, instead she just smiled and he wasn’t sure if he even wanted to know how she managed to perform miracles.   
“I’m going there right now.”  
“Do you want me to come with you?”  
“No, but I might call you if-“  
He interrupted himself, not even wanting to think about the worst case scenario.   
Donna understood what he was trying to say and nodded before Harvey rushed away to find his ex-boyfriend and make sure that he was okay and if he was then he would kick his ass for making them worry.

Harvey walked along the corridor on the hotel’s fifth floor until he found room 517, the room Mike was staying in.   
The front desk clerk had given him the room number without any questions, which spoke volumes about how much this hotel cared about their guests’ safety , but he hadn’t really expected anything else since this hotel was far from the five star hotels he was used to.   
Harvey knocked on the door and called out for Mike but received no answer.   
After both knocking and calling his name a second time with the same results, he tried the door since it was an old hotel that used keys instead of the more modern keycards.   
He wasn’t sure how to feel about the fact that the door was unlocked, sure it meant that he could get inside but it also meant that strangers could get inside too.   
Harvey had to take a moment to process what he was seeing.   
First of all, there were things everywhere, everything from photos to clothes, he was especially upset by the sight of one of Mike’s suit thrown onto the floor as if it wasn’t a tailored suit.   
There were also more alcohol bottles than he could count, and way more than a person should be consuming in a week.   
The room also had that musty smell a room got when you hadn’t open a window for a while.   
He could also see some dried vomit on the floor next to the bed, without a doubt caused by the insane amount of alcohol.   
The room looked like it belonged to an alcoholic, and not to the man he knew so very well.   
Despite not liking what he saw, he also understood why.  
Mike must be consumed by his grief, and it must hurt so incredibly much, so it was no wonder that he did everything he could to stop the pain. 

Harvey walked out into the hallway again, planning on going downstairs and ask the man in the front desk if he had seen Mike leave the hotel, but stopped as he saw a sign marked ‘Roof’.  
It was a long shot, but there was always a chance Mike had gone up there considering it was a good place to smoke.  
He got up to the roof and at first he didn’t see anything apart from two old lawn chairs but then he spotted someone standing on the edge of the roof.   
It felt as if his heart stopped beating when he realized that it was Mike that was standing there, with unsteady feet and a bottle in his hand.   
Just one step and Mike would fall to the ground, with the risk of not make it back up alive.  
The thought of Mike’s body hitting the sidewalk made him want to throw up.  
Harvey pushed away all of his feelings for a minute and instead just focused on the love of his life standing on the edge.   
“Are you going to jump?”  
He asked, surprised at how calm his voice sounded despite the storm raging inside him.   
Mike showed no sign of recognizing his voice and Harvey wondered how much alcohol the kid had been drinking and what kind of mindset he was in, well obviously it was not a good one.   
“Yeah.”  
Mike’s answer caused Harvey’s heart to start racing as the panic set in.   
He realized that this was a real situation, Mike was really going to jump, he was really going to try to commit suicide and if Harvey didn’t do something then he would have to watch Mike plunge to a possible death.   
He walked over to Mike, as quietly as possible in order to not spook him and luckily the man didn’t notice him approaching behind him so he could easily grab him and pull him off the small wall before Mike had the chance to jump.   
The swift motion caused them both to fall to the ground, and for a minute they were just lying there.  
Then suddenly Mike’s brain seemed to understand what had just happened, and he reacted to this by struggling to get up.   
Harvey wasn’t going to let him go, instead he just kept his tight grip around the struggling man.   
Luckily Mike wasn’t that strong in his intoxicated state and he quickly lost his strength and went limp in Harvey’s arms, but he still held on to him just in case he decided to start the struggle anew.   
“Please let me jump, I wanna die please.”  
Mike’s desperate words were slurred together and they caused Harvey to break a little inside.   
No matter what had happened between them he would never want Mike to die, and he never wanted Mike to feel that the world would be better without him in it. 

There was no way in hell that Harvey was going to leave Mike alone for even a second after he had said those things, so instead he made the decision to bring him back to his apartment.   
He managed to help the kid up before he put Mike’s arm around his shoulders and supported most of his weight as he walked them back into the hallway.   
Once the elevator stopped in the lobby, they could easily pass the front desk without the man showing any kind of reaction.   
On one hand it made Harvey relieved, because he could get Mike out of there without any questions, but on the other it pissed him off, for all the man knew Harvey could’ve been a total stranger that had drugged and kidnapped Mike and he did nothing to prevent it.   
Harvey had to help Mike sit down in the car and then buckle him up as if he had been a child, but then he could finally start the car and bring Mike to a safe place.  
With a slightly shaking hand he grabbed his phone and called Donna, telling her to get to his apartment but didn’t go into details about what had happened.   
He was planning to tell her of course, but he didn’t trust himself to tell her that he literally had to pull Mike off the edge, without getting very emotional, which wasn’t the best to be when driving.   
It felt as if hours had passed when they finally arrived to the apartment building and he once again had to help Mike walk, this time it was an even harder task since Mike was close to unconscious and was to very little help.  
He somehow made it to his door, and as if sensing their presence, Donna suddenly opened the door.  
The secretary’s eyes immediately fell on Mike and she scanned his body for an visible injuries.   
“Is he okay?”  
“No, he’s not. Help me get him into bed.”  
Donna closed the door behind them before she put Mike’s other arm around her shoulders and together they got him into the bedroom and managed to lower him down onto the bed.   
Mike emitted a low groan, but other than that there was no sign of him being conscious.   
Harvey flipped him onto his side, so that if he needed to throw up he wouldn’t choke on his own vomit, while Donna fetched a bucket and placed next to the bed. 

As he expected, he couldn’t tell Donna the story without getting emotional and he had to pause several times just to calm his breathing down.   
By the time he finished the story, warm tears were rolling down his cheeks while Donna’s face had lost all its colour.   
Even if they had both been worried that something bad was going on with Mike, none of them had even considered that he was feeling suicidal.   
It was hard to imagine that the upbeat, sweet kid, their puppy according to Donna, was the same broken kid who had just tried to jump to a potential death.   
Harvey hoped that it had just been a desperate, impulsive decision caused by the mix of grief, drugs and alcohol, and that he wasn’t going to try again.   
Just the thought of it made him shiver, and he made a mental note to find someone that could help Mike deal with this.   
Even if it had been just an impulsive decision, he wanted Mike to talk to someone so that he would never ever even think to try something like that again.   
Despite everything that had happened the past couple of weeks, they all still cared about Mike very much, and Harvey knew that no one wanted him to die.   
Not him, not Donna, not Rachel, not Trevor and he was even sure that not even Louis would ever want him to die.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I managed to get another chapter together despite all the things going on right now, kudos to me :P  
> As always thanks for the comments/kudos, it’s a big motivator and reading the comments are always the best part of uploading a new chapter, so thank you!
> 
>  Also this chapter is more or less a filler chapter while I try to figure out how to continue the story, but I hope you will enjoy reading it anyways.

The first thing he became aware of was the pain, the incredible pain.  
He couldn’t find a single part of his body that didn’t hurt and he imagined that this what it must feel like to be hit by a train.  
He tried to open his eyes but the light was way too bright and it burned his eyes.  
Something cold suddenly touched his forehead and he forced his eyes open again, defying the pain to find the source of the coldness.  
A face appeared in front of him, but it was way too blurry and out of focus for him to recognize who it was.  
Maybe he had actually been hit by a train and now he died, and he had somehow made it into heaven or paradise or whatever place people thought you ended up in after death.  
“You an angel?”  
He asked, not recognizing his own voice, his voice was not supposed to sound that hoarse and strained,  
A light chuckled was heard and he frowned as the sound was way too loud for his sensitive ears.  
“No, I’m better than an angel, I’m Donna.”  
Mike blinked a couple of times and his eyes finally focused enough to recognize her.  
Then he frowned, why was Donna here and where was even here?  
He closed his eyes as he desperately tried to remember what had happened.  
It came to him in little pieces, as if he was seeing screenshots of a movie and not the actual film.  
The ledge, cars going by on the street, and the comforting thought of death.  
“You dead?”  
He asked, his throat aching for every word that he spoke.  
“No, and neither are you, sweetie.”  
That couldn’t be, he remembered standing on the edge and thinking about jumping, he could even remember that he fell of the ledge.  
He looked around, fully expecting to see a hospital room or at least his hotel room but instead he realized that he was in his old bedroom, in Harvey’s bedroom.  
Mike closed his eyes and rummaged through the bits that had started to come back to him, trying to find something to explain why on earth he was back here and not lying dead on the street.  
It took a while before he could remember a voice asking him if he was going to jump.  
He had dismissed the voice as a figment of his imagination, he had poisoned his body and his brain to extreme measures, which would explain the incredible pain he was experiencing, and he had thought it was his brain tricking him.  
The more he thought of that voice though, the more it resembled Harvey’s but that couldn’t be, right?  
Because why on earth would Harvey decide to show up on the hotel’s rooftop?

After receiving no more answers from his memories, he begged Donna to tell him what had happened, but she hesitated at first, fearing that it would make him upset.  
She was right, the full story did make him upset but he didn’t show it.  
He had just wanted to help them, he wanted to make their lives better by ending his own but now he had made things worse by forcing Harvey to take care of him.  
Sure, Harvey deserved all the praise in the world for being able to care for him even when he was the reason that his heart was shattered into a million pieces, but Mike should never have forced him to worry about him.  
Mike didn’t want to be a burden to Harvey, so despite feeling like he was dying he got out of the bed, almost faceplanting on the floor.  
Donna tried to get him back into the bed but he just gently pushed her aside before he somehow managed to make it to the door without falling.  
He steadied himself by grabbing the doorframe and the he slowly walked out of the room, breathing deeply as he put all of his focus into taking the steps.  
Mike was so focused on not falling that he completely missed the chairs in the kitchen and walked right into one of them, losing his balance.  
Someone managed to catch him before he helplessly hit the floor.  
“Woah, where are you going, kid?”  
He recognized the voice instantly and as soon as he regained his balance, he shied away from his touch.  
“Need to leave.”  
He mumbled before he tried to walk away but was easily stopped by Harvey.  
“You’re not leaving.”  
“I need to-“  
Mike stopped himself as a very familiar, gross feeling spread from his stomach to his throat.  
Harvey seemed to understand his facial expression and called for Donna, who seemed to know exactly what was going on because she held out a bucket for him just seconds before he threw up.  
It was like he threw up all of his energy because as soon he was done, he felt like he was about to collapse and slowly sat down on chair, abandoning his quest to leave for now.  
“How are you feeling?”  
Donna asked, placing a hand on his shoulder.  
“Like shit.”  
“That’s what happens when you drink too much, kid.”  
Harvey said in an amused tone, and a smile appeared on Mike’s face before it disappeared again.  
He could remember when he was out with some of the associates and came home drunk, the next day he had the hangover from hell and Harvey said the exact same thing, and Mike had teased him for sounding like a lecturing parent.  
It was a good memory, even if he felt bad that day, and it hurt to think back to it because it reminded him of how much he had ruined.  
“Here.”  
His thoughts were interrupted by Harvey’s voice and he took the offered glass of water before rinsing his mouth and then drinking some of the cold water.  
“I have to leave.”  
Mike repeated, he didn’t feel better but he still needed to leave for Harvey’s sake.  
Harvey sighed before he looked at Donna, and the two seemed to have some silent conversation.  
“Stay here and rest until you feel better then you can leave.”  
Harvey said and that sounded like a fair deal, so he let them lead him back to the bed without any protests. 

Mike slept through the day, waking up a few times to throw up or use the toilet, and when he finally felt better, it was dark outside.  
He didn’t feel great, he still felt nauseous and his head hurt, but he could definitely get out of here and take a cab back to his hotel room.  
Harvey walked into the room just as he was struggling to get his shoes on.  
“You can stay another night, if you want to.”  
“No thank you.”  
The idea of getting back into bed didn’t sound bad, but he wanted to get out of here or more specifically he wanted to get out of Harvey’s hair.  
“Will you go back to work, when you’re better?”  
“I think I’m going to quit.”  
“No you’re not.”  
Mike raised his eyebrows at Harvey’s answer, he had expected him to be glad that they weren’t going to work together anymore.  
“You need that stability in your life.”  
He didn’t answer, instead he just got up from the bed and proceeded to walk towards the door, but Harvey decided to block it in the last second.  
“I’m not going to just let you walk out of here, at least let me get you some help.”  
“I don’t need help.”  
“You obviously do.”  
Mike scoffed and tried to push past him, but his arms were not as strong as they used to be and his attempts were futile.  
“You need help, Mike. You tried to kill yourself.”  
He was taken aback by the emotion in Harvey’s voice, and when he looked up his eyes were glazed over by unshed tears.  
It was easy to think that Harvey didn’t care, even Mike had thought so in the beginning.  
He knew better now, he knew that under that though exterior was a kind soul that perhaps cared too much, based on the fact that he tried to save him even if Mike’s mere presence must hurt him.  
“Please, Mike. Talk to someone, for me.”  
He couldn’t handle his begging, and he couldn’t handle how much he cared so he promised Harvey that he would talk to someone.  
Once he made that promise, Harvey reluctantly let him go and Donna gave him a ride back to the hotel.  
The first thing he did when he sat down on the bed was to grab a joint, and let it work its calming effects on him.  
Then he got into bed, staring at a photo of his grandmother, wishing that she was still here to help him feel better.  
He would honor his promise to Harvey and talk to someone, but he doubted it would make him feel better.  
Talking to someone wouldn’t bring his grandmother back, and it wouldn’t fix his relationship, and without his grandmother or Harvey he just didn’t see how he could ever be happy again.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again people!  
> I'm sorry for the late update.  
> Long story short (and without bothering you with my problems), I just wanted to say that I am in a pretty bad place mentally right now and I'm really struggling to see the meaning with everything, sadly that also includes that I'm not really seeing the point of me writing my fics. 
> 
> I have to admit that this is the fic I've been struggling the most with and in my eyes it's “the worst one.”  
> I told myself I wasn't going to abandon any fic but I just don't know where to go with this right now.  
> If there is someone out there who still have faith/interest in this fic please let me know 'cause then I will try to get my motivation back otherwise I will abandon this. 
> 
> Also I wrote this chapter in like 30 minutes so please don't expect a masterpiece.

CHAPTER 17

Harvey sat down next to the bed and watched Mike like a hawk, taking notice of every single thing that proved that he was still alive.  
Once in a while he reached out for Mike's wrist and gently grabbed it before checking for a pulse, scared that the movement of his chest was nothing more than a fidget of his imagination.  
He didn't know how long he had been sitting there, just making sure that the man he loved so dearly was still alive, when Donna came and placed a comforting arm around his shoulders.  
“You need to get some sleep.”  
She told him in a gentle, motherlike voice but he shook his head, afraid to leave.  
“I need to-”  
He didn't finish his sentence bit he didn't need to for Donna to understand.  
“I will watch him.”  
She promised and after some additional coaxing, he left the room and walked over to the couch where Donna had already placed some pillows and a blanket.  
It wasn't until he sat down on the couch that he realized how exhausted he really was, and he fell asleep just seconds after placing his head on the pillow.  
Hours later, or maybe it was just seconds he couldn't really tell, he woke up with a start, the sweat covering his forehead and his heart beating a million miles per hour in his chest.  
Harvey hadn't had a nightmare in years but now his mind had been showing him an alternative scenario, a scenario where he desperately tried to save Mike but the kid jumped anyway and landed on the asphalt with a sickening thud.  
Every time he closed his eyes, he saw the image of Mike's body lying on the ground, his limbs bent in unnatural ways and a pool of blood forming around his head.  
The image looked so real and the more he thought about it, the harder it was to breathe.  
His lips and hands were becoming numb, and he swore as he realize that he was having another panic attack.  
He couldn't call for Donna because she needed to watch Mike, so he stumbled to the door leading out to balcony, hoping that the fresh air would help to calm in down.  
It did help him a little, it made his breathing slightly easier and he started to try to stop it.  
His hands clutched the railing why he imagined Mike in the bed, breathing, moving, heart beating.  
After spending an unknown amount of time imagining it while repeating the words “he's fine, he's alive” like a mantra, the numb feeling disappeared and his lungs could yet again get the air they needed.  
Harvey sat down, the panic attack having drained all of his energy, and damned his stupid, adroable ex-boyfriend for being the cause of all of these panic attacks. 

A sound from inside caught his attention and he immediately got up and went inside since Donna shouldn't leave Mike and Mike shouldn't be up.  
He saw Mike walking on unsteady feet, looking seconds away from collapsing, so he rushed to him and managed to catch him in the very last second.  
Mike wanted to leave, even if he couldn't walk more than a few meters before collapsing.  
If he hadn't been so weak, Harvey would have shook him and asked why in the world his otherwise intelligent brain thought that was a good idea.  
If Mike left now he would probably fall and crack his head open, or accidently get hit by a car or something, so he convinced him to stay until he felt better.  
He helped Mike back to the room where the man collapsed and fell asleep.  
Harvey no longer felt the need to hover over him since he had been up and moving, but he still felt the need to check in on him once in a while.  
Donna asked him repeatedly to please get some sleep but he wouldn't listen to her, even if his worry had faded a bit the image from his nightmare hadn't. 

They were sitting in the kitchen, Donna eating the sweet potato and lentil stew that was her specialty while Harvey was just playing with his food.  
Normally he loved it, Donna's food was always delicious, but he just didn't have the appetite.  
He suddenly felt eyes on him and looked up to see that Donna was looking at him with a concerned look on her face.  
“Maybe you should get some help too?”  
She suggested and Harvey scoffed at her.  
“I'm fine, Donna.”  
He answered but she just gave him that knowing look that told him that she knew him just as well as he knew himself.  
Luckily Mike chose that moment to make some noise in the bedroom, so Harvey had an excuse to leave Donna and her suggestions.  
The kid was sitting up on the bed, struggling to get his shoes on, when Harvey arrived.  
He looked a little better now, he wasn't as pale and he didn't look like he was about to collapse any second, but he still looked worn out and tired.  
“You can stay another night, if you want to.”  
Harvey suggested, he would rather give up his bed another night than for Mike to leave when he hadn't completely recovered.  
Mike however would rather leave and feel shitty in a hotel room instead of feeling shitty here.  
“Will you go back to work, when you’re better?”  
“I think I’m going to quit.”  
“No you’re not. You need that stability in your life.”  
In a way it was killing him to have Mike work at the same place as him, to have to look at him everyday and being reminded of how his heart had been completely shattered, but he wasn't going to be selfish.  
If Mike left the firm he wouldn't have anything, he wouldn't have his grandmother or his friends or a partner, and if he left then Harvey would have no way of knowing if the man would try to commit suicide again or not.  
Mike never gave him an answer on the question instead he just left, after Harvey convinced him to talk to someone. 

After they left, his apartment felt empty again just like it had felt like when he kicked Mike out.  
It was incredible how much the kid meant to him, even if it hurt a little every time he looked at him.  
Even if Mike had left, Harvey was still worried, so he poured himself a glass of whiskey and hoped that it would lift some weight of his shoulders.  
He didn't know if it was the alcohol's influence, the panic he felt everytime he closed his eyes and saw Mike's dead body or Donna's text, begging him to please talk to someone, that finally changed his mind.  
Normally he'd be too proud to ask for help but he started to fear that he would feel like this for the rest of his life.  
He scrolled through the short list of well recommended therapists that he had made for Mike and stopped on one of them.  
His call went straight to voicemail and he left a message for the therapist Paula, asking her to call him back.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!  
> As you can see, I decided to not abandon this story because I got so many nice comments from you that I didn't have the heart to kill the story.   
> I still don't know where I'm taking this story so right now I'm taking it one chapter at a time and I hope that's okay with you.

CHAPTER 18 

There was a knock on the door and Mike frowned, wondering who it could be.  
It had been a little over two hours since Donna had dropped him off, so he couldn't imagine why either of them would be back to check on him so soon.   
He got up from the bed while whoever it was knocked again.   
Mike opened up the door but instead of seeing Harvey or Donna standing there, he saw Rachel.   
She was dressed in an expensive looking dress and she smelled as if she had been taking a bath in perfume.   
In her hands were two coffees and a box of donuts from a tiny café near the office, that they had visited probably a thousand of times since they both considered their donuts to be the best in entire New York City.  
Mike stepped aside and gestured for her to come inside, even if he didn't feel up for company at all.

Rachel frowned at how messy the room was but she didn't comment on it, instead she just moved some clothes from the chair and sat down.   
Mike sat down on the bed and accepted both the coffee and a donut even if he had no appetite whatsoever.   
“Donna told me what happened and I just had to check up on you and make sure that you're really okay.”  
Rachel explained and Mike frowned, silently cursing Donna.   
Sure, Rachel had been his best friend and in the past she would have been one of the first to know, but she wasn't his best friend at the moment and besides it wasn't Donna's story to tell.   
She could have easily stilled Rachel's worry without actually telling her what had happened on the hotel roof.  
He made a mental note to berate her for that later.   
“Are you okay, Mike?”  
She asked with a genuine worried look on her face.   
“I'm fine.”  
Mike lied and she gave him a sad, sympathetic smile that told him that she didn't believe him at all.

They sat quietly for a while, Rachel happily eating her donut while Mike spent more time staring at it than actually eating it.   
There was nothing wrong with the donut, it was still as amazing as ever, it was just that he for some reason didn't enjoy it the same way he used to.   
When Rachel had finished donut, she looked at him and it was obvious that she was building up the courage to say something.   
It took a minute or two for her two actually get the words out and she didn't say anything even near to what Mike had been expecting.   
“I want you to come and stay with me.”  
Mike's face must have shown the shock and confusion that he felt because she started to explain herself.   
“I think it would be a good idea. You can't stay in a hotel forever and in the light of current events, maybe you shouldn't be on your own. I think it would be better if you had someone to watch-”  
She interrupted herself but Mike knew what she was about to say; someone to watch over him, as if he was a child that couldn't be trusted to be left on his own.  
“No thank you.”  
He answered, he did not want to stay with Rachel, not only because she would most likely monitor his every single move, but because him staying with Rachel would just make his situation with Harvey even worse.   
“Mike I don't think you should be alone.”  
Rachel told him, sounding even more patronizing than before.   
“I said no, Rachel.”  
His answer got rid of Rachel's patronizing tone and instead replaced it with anger.  
“Do you know it feels for us, knowing that you're all alone and can try again any second? We would all feel a lot better if someone was there to take care of you and make sure that it doesn't happen again.”  
Mike remained silent, which only seemed to add more fuel to the fire.   
“Can you please just think about how your actions affect us? I mean, God Mike you tried to kill yourself, did you even stop to think about anyone but yourself?”  
As soon as she said those words, Rachel seemed to realize that she had crossed a line, but her apologies was drowned in Mike's yells for her to leave.

Mike's phone vibrated and he read the text with his sight obstructed by the tears that had gathered in his eyes.   
The text contained a list of therapists that Harvey had picked out, but Mike just scrolled through the names before deleting the text.   
He felt bad because he had been convinced that he could honor his promise to Harvey, but now it looked like it was going to remain unfulfilled.   
Rachel's way to treat him had given him flashbacks to when he was eleven years old and recently orphaned. His grandmother had convinced him to go see a child physiatrist but the man had both been patronizing him and treated him more like a broken toy than a human being with problems.   
Since then he had never even thought about asking for professional help, because he was still scared of being judged and being treated like he was unable to take care of himself.   
Rachel had managed to awaken that fear and now it just wasn't leaving.   
Mike put the bottle of vodka to his lips, determined to show them that he could get through this on his own.   
Rachel had thought that he had only been thinking of himself but that wasn't the case, he had thought about them and more specifically how their lives would be better without him and his problems.   
The same thought entered his head now and he knew that it would be better for them if they didn't have to take care of him, and he saved himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to point out that I'm not trying to make Rachel the bad guy here or something, I'm simply using my own experience of people who don't really understand your mental health problems say the wrong things and seem meaner than they are.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay I managed to actually get an update out in a week like I hoped :D  
> For those of you who wants to know I have a cat now, he's a longhaired white cat with the greenest eyes I've ever seen and his name is Tellus.   
> He is not a fan of my fics though because he always tries to stop me from writing them :P

CHAPTER 19

It was hard not to panic, every time he managed to calm himself down, a random thought popped up in his head and brought him right back to panic mode.   
He felt the same fear he used to feel when he was six years old and sat in the waiting room at the dentist.   
Except now he was a grown man who was panicking about going to a therapist that was supposed to help him to not panic.  
If it hadn't been for Donna, who was sitting next to him and squeezing his hand, then he would have told Ray to turn around and forget about this whole thing.  
The car stopped outside the house of Paula, the therapist that had her practice in her home.   
“It's going to be good and hopefully it will help you.”  
Donna told him and he gave her a grateful smile while Ray wished him good luck. 

At first it was hard to even look at her but as the minutes passed, he started to relax and everything started to feel easier.   
Paula told him that they would just have a conversation and he didn't even have to talk about his problems just yet, since Paula thought it was more important that they got to know each other and got more comfortable around each other first.   
Harvey mostly talked about his work, and the people that he worked with, but he did mention Mike as well.   
He didn't tell her any details though, he would save that for a later session, he just told her that there was this amazing, beautiful man in his life that had stolen his heart before shattering it into a million little pieces.   
Harvey left Paula's house an hour later, feeling way more comfortable about the thought of going yo a therapist and he really hoped that she would actually be able to help him.   
He also hoped that Mike could find someone, someone who could help him.   
Harvey had sent Mike the list of therapists he had made, he had removed Paula from it before he sent it though, and he really hoped that the kid had at least looked through it. 

Harvey froze when he walked out of the elevator and saw Mike standing just a couple of meters from him, talking to Louis or rather listening to Louis talk.   
Mike was still paler than usual, he had bags under his eyes and his suit was slightly wrinkled but he was there, he was back at work.   
Harvey saw that as a huge progress and decided to reward Mike by saving him from Louis.  
“Okay Louis, take a walk.”  
He told the man who gave him an offended look.  
“Listen Harvey I-”  
Louis started but trailed off when Harvey grabbed Mike's arm and led him away from there.  
They stopped walking when they saw that Louis gave up and decided to just walk away.  
“Thank you.”  
Mike said with gratitude in his voice, whatever Louis had been talking about it had seemed very,very boring,   
“Don't mention it. I see you're back at work.”  
Harvey mentally kicked himself for not coming up with anything better to say than to point out the obvious.   
“Yeah, I'm feeling much better now.”  
Mike answered but Harvey knew him well enough to see right through it.  
He wasn't really better, him being here was more about appearing to be fine even if he wasn't.  
Harvey still saw it as a positive thing since he would rather see Mike working than staying all alone in his hotel room, feeling miserable.   
“Have you looked at the list I sent you?”  
“Uhm...yeah and I have a session with Dr. Young this afternoon.”  
Mike answered and Harvey felt relieved, he was happy that the kid was getting the help he needed, and he really hoped that it meant that Harvey would never, ever have to stop Mike from trying to commit suicide again.   
Hopefully them both getting help meant that they were both taking their first steps towards healing. 

The week went by pretty fast, Mike and Harvey had greeted each other but they hadn't really had any more actual conversations, which meant that Harvey had absolutely no idea how Mike was doing.  
It was that thought that made him stop by the bullpen on his way home on Friday afternoon.   
Mike was still there and he was buried in work.   
Harvey felt sympathy for the man who looked both stressed and completely exhausted.   
“Wanna go for a beer?”  
He asked, making Mike, who had been too caught up in his work to notice Harvey's arrival, jump.   
“I'm sorry but I can't. Louis told to-”  
“Screw Louis.”  
When Mike still didn't move, Harvey grabbed the file he was currently working on.   
“Get your things or this goes in the shredder.”  
Mike finally smiled and got up from his desk.   
Harvey held on to the file until Mike was ready to leave, then he dumped it back on the desk and made a mental note to talk to Louis so that Mike wouldn't get into trouble for not doing the work he'd been asked to do.   
Going to the bar with Mike turned out to be a lot like his conversation with the therapist, it was stiff and awkward at first but as the time went by it got a lot easier to talk to each other, granted this time it got easier because of the alcohol.   
The more they drank, the easier it got and it started to feel more and more like before, when they could talk about anything.   
Harvey realized how much he had missed this, to just be able to talk to him, to just sit and talk for hours on end while the world around them didn't really exist for them.   
Maybe one day they would be able to be friends and to have these conversations without feeling the need to poison themselves first. 

It was the way the alcohol helped them to talk to each other that caused them to drink way more than that one intended beer and way more than what was good for them.   
After leaving the bar, they stumbled across the street to where a small park was located.   
Harvey sat down on the grass, at the moment he couldn't care less about his suit, while Mike stumbled over to the pond because he wanted to look at the ducks.   
He soon returned though because he hadn't been able to find any ducks in the pond, something that Harvey was secretly glad for, had there been any ducks in the pond then the genius would have probably decided to pet the ducks which had most likely led to him falling in the pond and maybe he would have drowned.   
Mike sat down next to him, looking up at the stars before he started to ramble some facts about stars that he had read once and never been able to forget about.   
Harvey didn't really listen to what he was saying because he was too occupied staring at Mike and thinking about how beautiful he looked in the moonlight.   
As if he could read his thoughts, Mike suddenly turned to him and gave him a big, goofy smile.   
One second they were just sitting there, staring at each other and then the next Mike had closed the distance between them, their faces almost touching.   
Harvey saw what was coming but did nothing to stop it, instead he just looked at Mike as he placed his lips on Harvey's.   
The kiss was quick and gentle but it gave Harvey the taste for more.   
He placed his hands on either side of Mike's face before he kissed him again.   
He was reminded about how wonderful it was to kiss Mike Ross and he never wanted it to stop.   
Harvey didn't know how long they had been kissing, it somehow felt like an eternity and just a brief second at the same time, when a little voice in the back of his mind spoke to him.   
The voice was weak but its words were powerful, it told him that he would regret this and to remember that Mike had ruined the life they had together and had broke his heart in the process.   
Harvey pulled back from the kid who was looking at him with blue, hungry eyes.   
“Mike we can't do this.”  
He said before getting up.   
He reached for his wallet and pulled out some cash that he handed to Mike.  
“Take a cab back to the hotel.”  
Harvey told him before walking away while Mike called his name, wanting him so stay, but Harvey knew that he couldn't so he ignored Mike and continued walking.   
Tears started to roll down his cheeks as he exited the park.   
He was angry at himself for not stopping this from happening, he was angry at Mike for kissing him in the first place and he was angry at Mike for ruining everything good.   
They had taken one step forward and then five steps back and Harvey could feel his how broken his heart was, especially since he thought about how Mike had been in this exact same situation with Rachel and that situation was the reason for Harvey's broken heart.   
He sat down on a bench while the tears just kept coming.   
It just wasn't fair that a person could break someone else so easily.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I planned to get this update written much earlier but then Sweden was given the hottest summer in over 200 years and my brain practically melted.   
> That being said any mistakes made is the weather’s fault :)
> 
> Also I was accepted into a writing course at the university and it’s thanks to my fanfiction writing, and all the motivating words from readers, that I had the motivation to apply to it so I just want to say a big thank you for giving me confidence in my writing :)

CHAPTER 20

In order to make people stop worrying about him, he had to convince them that he was fine and one way to do that was to get up in the morning, despite feeling like shit, shower, get dressed and return to work.   
He exited the elevator and it suddenly felt like everyone was staring at him.   
A woman was leaning closer to her friend and quietly saying something to her and his mind was suddenly convinced that it was about him.   
Did they know?   
Did they all know what he had done?  
Mike was just about to bolt back to the elevator and return to bed where he could hide from the world, when Louis came into his field of view.   
He was fully prepared for the man to give him an earful for going MIA and was more than surprised when Louis spoke with a gentle tone.   
“Welcome back, Mike. I hope you're doing alright.”  
He looked into Louis' eyes but he couldn't see the pity he had expected him to show if the older man had known what had happened.   
Mike looked around and he realized that everyone was actually caught up in their own work and was too busy to even notice his presence.   
“Thanks Louis, I'm okay.”  
He answered before Louis started to talk and Mike found out that Harvey had only told the man about his Grammy’s passing and nothing else.   
Louis then started to tell him a story about his own grandmother and even if it was the most boring story he had ever heard, he didn't dare to interrupt, not when the man, for once, was being friendly instead of yelling at him. 

It felt like Louis had been talking hours when Harvey showed up and like a knight in shining armor he saved him.   
Louis got really offended when Mike was literally being taken away from him, but luckily the man left without creating any drama.   
Harvey looked at him and Mike knew that he could tell that he wasn't back to his old self, not yet.  
He told Harvey that he was much better now, even if he knew that his ex-boyfriend could see right through his lie but maybe if Mike kept saying it then they would both eventually start to believe it. Harvey was the one who needed to be protected from Mike the most, the one that really needed to stop worrying about him so when Harvey asked him about the list of therapists, he lied.   
Mike couldn't tell him that he had decided to get better on his own without any help so instead he told him that he had seen Dr. Young, thankful for his brain memorizing the names before he deleted the text.   
It didn't feel good lying to Harvey, especially not when he had made a promise to him but he reminded himself that it was for Harvey's sake.   
It was over between them and even if he still loved Harvey with all of his heart, he realized that the best thing for Harvey was for him to focus on himself and move on from Mike. 

The week went by and he had only passed Harvey in the hallway or met him in the bathroom, in other words it had only been a couple of simple hellos passed between them.   
Mike took it day by day and every day his main goal was to just make it through that day and not worry about anything else.   
He started to look for an apartment, realizing that he couldn't stay at the hotel forever.   
He started to drink less, he had tried and failed to go cold turkey on both alcohol and drugs so he had eventually landed on a middle ground where he consumed enough to keep him satisfied but not enough for his work to be affected.   
When it came to dealing with his grandmother's death, he found that it was easiest to simply not deal with it at all.   
Friday afternoon came along and suddenly Harvey showed up in the bullpen, asking if he wanted to go out for beer.   
Mike wanted to go, he didn't have the same tolerance as before and had quickly become both stressed and overworked, but Louis had told him to finish the work he had been given and he also wondered if it was such a good idea for them to spend time together.   
He tried to tell him that he was busy but Harvey wouldn't let him, instead he threatened to put all of his work in the shredder and since he didn't feel like explaining that to Louis he decided to go with Harvey. 

They ended up drinking way more than just one beer.   
Mike knew that that it wasn't the best idea for them to drink so much alcohol but the alcohol made him feel so much better, it made it easier for them to talk and it made him believe that the two of them could at the very least be friends.   
They left the bar after spending probably hours in there and made their way to the park across the street.   
Harvey sat down on the grass and Mike joined him after failing to locate any ducks in the pond.   
He looked up at the starry sky and started to ramble some facts about stars that he had once read in a book somewhere but trailed off as he looked at Harvey and was struck by how stunning he looked in the moonlight.   
Without thinking he closed the distance between them and placed a quick, gentle kiss on the older man's lips.   
Just as he realized what he had just done, Harvey gently grabbed his face and kissed him back.   
As Harvey kissed him, all the thoughts about just being friends and letting Harvey move on went out the window.   
Harvey's mouth was warm and he tasted alcohol and it was just so amazing.   
He put a hand on Harvey's arm, holding on to him as he wished that the kiss would never end but no matter how hard he wished, the kiss ended and so did their evening together.   
Harvey got up and left Mike on the ground and no matter how many times he called out for the older man, wanting him to come back, the man left him.   
Mike didn't know how long he sat there on the ground, not knowing what to feel, before an older lady stopped and asked if he was okay before helping him to get a cab. 

The weekend passed by in a blur and he didn't spend much of it being sober.   
He felt like a complete idiot for thinking that kissing Harvey had been a good idea.   
Harvey had just started to talk to him again, they had just been able to hang out together and then Mike had gone ahead and ruined it again.   
A stupid, drunken mistake had pushed them back several steps in their progress.   
It seemed like stupid, drunken mistakes ruining things was becoming a theme in his life.   
Maybe he should see that as a sign to stay away from alcohol he thought before bringing the bottle back to his mouth anyways. 

As Monday came along he was glad that he wasn't going to go to the office and be forced to face Harvey.   
Of course, the place he was going to instead wasn't a much easier place to go to.   
His legs felt like jelly as he walked into the church and it felt exactly like when he had stepped into the same church when he was eleven.   
The big difference was that at least back then his Grammy had been by his side, holding his hand and now he was all alone and was about to say his last goodbye to the last part of his family.   
He was late and everyone turned around to look at him and it felt as if he could no longer breathe.   
Mike somehow managed to walk to the front and sit down in the church pew without passing out.   
They had all been waiting for him but now that he was here, the priest began to speak but Mike had trouble focusing on what was being said.   
Instead he looked at the coffin and the flower arrangements, he had no memory of when he picked them out but the at least it looked beautiful.   
There was a picture placed next to the coffin, it was a really good picture and it was taken by none other than Harvey.   
It had been one of his grandmother's last times outside and the three of them had gone to a park and had a picnic in the sunny weather.   
She had been so happy that day and that's how he wanted to remember her, happy and laughing, but his mind seemed unable to picture anything but the disappointed look on her face when he had told her that he had cheated.   
His thoughts were interrupted by the priest saying his name and he looked up.   
Judging by the look on the priest's face, it wasn't the first time he had called his name and he felt embarrassed for getting lost in thoughts.   
The priest made a gesture for him to come forward and that's when Mike realized that not only had he promised to say a couple of words, he had also forgot to prepare anything.   
He still got up and on shaky legs he stood in front of the people who had come to say goodbye to his grandmother.   
As he faced them he saw a very familiar face amongst all the old people and nursing home staff.   
Rachel was sitting there and he didn't really know how to feel about that.   
It felt like he was staring at them for hours until he somehow got his brain and mouth to cooperate and he started to talk about him wetting the bed after his parents' death and how his grandmother had been there to take care of him.   
After his “speech” he returned to the church pew where he yet again got lost in his thoughts. 

After the service was over, everyone felt the need to hug him.   
Some of them were complete strangers who hugged him tightly and looked at him with pity in their eyes.   
He could remember people doing the same thing when he was a kid and he had hated it then too.   
He had gotten overwhelmed and ran out of the church, leaving his grandmother to hug all the strangers instead.   
Mike couldn't do that now, he couldn't run away so he just stood there and let the strangers hug him and pity him.   
When everyone had hugged him, he walked out of the church and sat down on a bench made of stone that was placed outside of the church.   
“Mike are you okay?”  
He thought that if he just ignored Rachel, then she would go away but no such luck, when the paralegal didn't receive an answer, she invaded his personal space and placed a hand on his shoulder.   
“Rachel please, I just want to be alone.”  
It wasn't completely true, he didn't want to be alone he just didn't want to have Rachel here.   
The people that he wanted by his side was gone in one way or the other.   
“Okay but I'm here for you if you want to talk.”  
Rachel answered and placed a gentle kiss on the top of his head before she walked away and left him alone again.   
He didn't know how long he had been sitting there, unable to picture anything other than his Grammy’s disappointed face, when the tears finally came.   
Mike buried his head in his hands and cried while silently begging for the mental image to please go away.   
Suddenly he heard footsteps approaching him before someone sat down next to him.   
He was about to tell Rachel to please leave him alone when an arm was placed over his shoulders and he realized that it wasn't Rachel.   
The arm belonged to a man and when the familiar cologne reached his nose he realized who it was.   
It was Harvey.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say that I’m struggling a bit with this fic, mostly because I don’t have any experience, so therefore I don’t know how people in real life get through things like this (because I’m trying to give them a happy ending I swear)  
> I’m trying my very best to make it seem realistic but if it doesn’t seem realistic or if the characters seem too OOC I apologize. 
> 
> Other than that I just want to thank you (for the 1000th time) for the support, every time I feel like giving up I just re-read some comments and I get my motivation back.   
> So thanks yet again for all the comments and kudos.

CHAPTER 21

It was unclear how long Harvey sat on that bench, crying without caring who saw him, before he managed to stand up and hail a cab.   
He made it home and collapsed on the couch, feeling so exhausted that he didn't make it to his bed before he fell asleep.   
When he woke up the next morning he felt even worse and he thought that the only way to feel better was to drink more and that was how he spent his weekend, feeling sorry for himself and drowning his sorrows with hard liquor.   
Harvey was well aware of the fact that he couldn't drink the memories away and he couldn't drink Mike away but that didn't stop him from trying.

Monday came along way too soon and no matter how much he wanted to stay in his apartment and isolate himself from the world, he knew that he had to get to the office and he had to face Mike again.   
He couldn't hide forever, no matter how much he wanted to.   
He arrived a little later than usual and his secretary frowned when he approached her desk.   
“You're here.”  
She said and she actually sounded surprised to see him.   
“Where else would I be?”  
“I just thought that you'd might be with Mike.”  
He frowned, showing Donna that he didn't have a clue about what she was talking about.   
Why would he be with Mike and where would he be with Mike?  
“It's his grandmother's funeral this morning.”  
Oh right.  
Donna had told him a couple of days ago, because of course she knew when the funeral was supposed to be, and he had made a mental note to go, not only to support Mike but because Edith had been a friend.   
Then the whole kissing thing had happened and he hadn't been able to think about anything else.   
Harvey rose to his feet, despite what had happened he needed to be there to check in on him and make sure that he wasn't going back to that dark, dark place he had been in when he found his way to the edge of a roof. 

By the time Harvey arrived at the church, the funeral seemed to have just have ended and he cursed himself for forgetting about the funeral and completely missing it.   
He got out of the car and walked towards the church but he was suddenly stopped by none other than Rachel.  
“Are you sure that you being here is such a good idea?”  
She asked in a tone that sounded kind of accusing, as if him being here would hurt Mike in any way.  
“I could ask you the same thing.”  
Harvey answered before he carefully pushed her aside and continued walking.   
He spotted Mike sitting on one of the stone benches that was placed outside the church, the younger man had his head buried in his hands as his body shook with quiet sobs.  
Mike looked so small, so broken and it hurt Harvey to see him like this.   
For the moment, he pushed everything aside, he pushed the cheating, the kiss and all the other negative things aside and sat down next to Mike, putting an arm around his shoulders in an attempt to comfort him.  
Mike looked up at him, his eyes were red and swollen from the tears and his wobbling lip made him look so young and so lost.   
Harvey really felt for the kid, in a very short time he had lost the last part of his family, his friends and his partner, even if the last ones were because of his own wrongful actions.  
“H-Harvey I-”  
“Shhh.”  
Harvey hushed Mike, not wanting words to complicate things.   
Instead of talking, Mike threw his arms around him and Harvey didn't hesitate to hug him back.  
He still loved and cared for Mike, therefore at the moment he needed to just be there for him, despite everything that had happened between them.

Harvey didn't know how long they had been sitting there, hugging each other, when he felt a raindrop land on his cheek and then another landed on his face and then another.   
It wouldn't be long before the raindrops turned into pouring rain and Harvey knew that they couldn't stay here because then they would both be soaked.  
“Have you eaten?”  
Harvey asked while Mike let go of him and shook his head in response.   
He let his scan the body that he knew so well and noticed that the kid looked slightly skinnier which made him wonder how long it had been since he got something else besides vodka and week into his system.   
“Let me buy you breakfast.”  
“Harvey, you don't have to do that.”  
“It's an order.”  
Mike managed to smile, even if it was a small, weak smile.   
They got up from the bench and together they walked towards Harvey's car, passing Rachel on the way.   
The paralegal had been talking to some older women but went quiet as they passed and Harvey didn't miss how her gaze followed them, while she wore a dissatisfied expression on her face.

They stopped at a nearby diner, where Mike ordered some waffles while Harvey just got a coffee since he had already eaten breakfast.   
Mike spent more time pushing the waffles around on the plate than actually eating them, but Harvey didn't say anything even if he wanted to.   
Mike was an adult and Harvey had to let him take care of himself, even if he was bad at it at the moment.  
At first there was a tension between them and Mike constantly tried to bring up what had happened last Friday but Harvey kept interrupting him or hushing him.   
Eventually the kid got the hint and started to talk about other things and eventually the conversation felt more natural and Harvey even managed to get a few laughs out of the kid. 

Harvey stopped outside of the hotel and Mike unbuckled his seat belt before he turned to look at him.   
“Thank you, Harvey,”  
“You don't have to thank me. I was just making sure that you were okay, it's what she would have wanted.”  
Mike smiled at his words and nodded his head in agreement.  
None of them would ever forget about the first time Harvey met Edith, just a month or two after they started dating, and the old lady had scolded him, in front of two nurses, for him letting Mike work too much and not getting anything but Red bull into his system.  
Harvey had felt like a little child while Mike had laughed until he could barely breathe.   
The memory made Harvey smiled but the smile quickly disappeared when he looked over at the hotel entrance and saw none other than Rachel walking out the door.   
For a second he thought, and hoped, that the paralegal was about to leave but then she stopped and waved a them.   
He looked over at Mike, who looked just as surprised to see her as Harvey was.  
“I should go and see what she wants.”  
Mike said, sounding like he wanted to do anything but that, before he said goodbye and left the car.   
His ex-boyfriend walked over to the woman who had helped end their relationship and once he was by her, she placed a hand on Mike's shoulder and Harvey was surprised by how jealous he got.   
He didn't just get hurt, he got jealous.  
Mike and Rachel walked inside the hotel together while Harvey was frozen, as he came to a realization he never thought he'd get. 

He didn't really know how he had gotten back to his apartment or how he had ended up on his couch or how long he had just been sitting there before Donna showed up.  
“You didn't come back and you didn't answer your phone.”  
The secretary said, as her excuse for coming here, before she sat down next to him and gently grabbed her hand, somehow knowing that it was what he needed to break out of whatever daze he had ended up in.  
“Are you okay?”  
“Mike and I kissed.”  
“At the funeral?”  
“We got drunk together last Friday and we ended up kissing.”  
Donna didn’t respond, she just squeezed his hand a little tighter.   
“I was angry at him, at myself and I was determined to not be around him anymore but then I met him today and I didn't feel bad, it just felt good. Then I dropped him off and Rachel was there and I think that there might be something between them and the thought of that hurts.”  
Harvey rambled on and Donna listened patiently while rubbing her thumb over his hand in a comforting gesture.   
“Of course, it hurts to see them together after what happened.”  
“I wasn't just hurt though, I was jealous because I don't want him to be with Rachel, I don't want him to be with anyone else.”  
It had been a surprising realization because Harvey had been so determined to cut Mike out of his life and he never expected to feel this jealous.   
“Harvey, what do you mean?”  
“I can't let him go, Donna.”  
Even if he was mad at Mike, even if he didn't trust him and even if the man had completely shattered his heart, he still couldn't let him go.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this update took so long.   
> I wanted to update this much sooner but unfortunately life got in the way.   
> I've been forced to use all my writing inspo for my uni course,which is pretty boring at the moment.   
> My brother also had a baby, which sadly for many reasons isn't directly a positive thing for me.   
> My best friend more or less abandoned me and my mental health has been at an all time low, my depression has made me sleep for 15-18 hours a day or to have completely insomniac nights. 
> 
> Warning, I did both write and edit this chapter while I was severly sleep deprived so I do apologize if there are more errors than usual or if the “quality” is lower than usual. 
> 
> As always, thank you for reading :)

CHAPTER 22

It was Harvey.  
Harvey was sitting next to him, with his arm around his shoulder.   
Mike had been fearing that the man would never speak to him again, he had feared that he had messed up their progress completely but now he was there, right next to him.  
He suddenly felt overwhelmed, he needed to apologize to Harvey, he needed him to know how sorry he was.   
Mike tried to apologize but Harvey immediately hushed him, clearly not willing or ready to talk about it at the moment.  
He looked at the older man before making a risky move, he threw his arms around him.  
Instead of pushing him away, like Mike had kind of expected him to do, Harvey hugged him back and Mike was glad because truth be told, Harvey was the only one he wanted by his side right now, Harvey was the only one who could bring him any comfort.   
He didn't know how long they had been sitting there, but it was way too short amount of time if you asked Mike, when Harvey asked if he had eaten and he was forced to let go before shaking his head no.   
He couldn't really remember the last time he'd had a proper meal, his appetite seemed to have followed his grammy into the grave.

He ordered waffles, which had been one of his grammy's favourite foods.   
Despite the fact that the waffles both looked and smelled absolutely delicious, it was hard to get it down and he spent more time pushing the food around on his plate, trying to convince himself to eat it, than actually trying to force it down his throat.   
Mike tried to apologize to Harvey again, several times, because he just needed Harvey to know that he realized that he had done yet another stupid mistake and he needed to know where they were standing.  
Harvey, however didn't want to listen to him so eventually he had no other choice than to admit defeat, for now, and talk about something else.   
Once they moved on to other subjects, the tension between them slowly disappeared and they spent the rest of their meal and the ride back to the hotel talking, and laughing, like they used to before.   
When they stopped outside of the hotel he thanked Harvey and he responded by saying that it was what his grammy had wanted which caused them both to smile.  
If his grandmother could have seen him these past weeks she would've been very disappointed in him and she would lovingly scold him for not taking better care of himself.   
The beautiful smile that lit up Harvey's face suddenly faded and Mike followed his gaze, seeing Rachel standing by the entrance, waving at them.  
His smile faded too, no offense to her but Mike didn't really have the energy to deal with her right now, he had actually been hoping to go straight up to his hotel room and take a long, long nap.  
He said goodbye to Harvey before getting out of the car and walking over to Rachel.  
“Hi, what are you doing here?”  
Mike asked her, trying not to sound rude.   
“I just came to check up on you. I was thinking that we could talk?”  
Rachel answered as she placed a gently hand on his shoulder.   
Mike released a tired sigh as he thought that it would be way easier to just get the talk over with and get her to leave so that he could sleep in peace.   
He nodded at her and she smiled brightly as they walked inside together.

When they got inside the hotel room, he took off his suit jacket and carelessly threw it aside, something that Harvey would've completely lost his mind over if he had seen it, and loosened his tie before sitting down on his bed.   
Rachel sat down on the chair so that they were opposite each other, even if Rachel struggled to maintain eye contact.   
“So, what do you want to talk about?”  
Mike finally asked when a couple of minutes had gone by without Rachel saying a word.   
The lack of eye contact and he fiddling made it clear that she was nervous, which managed to make Mike nervous as well.   
“I want to talk to you about Harvey.”  
“What about him?”  
Apparently, she was right to be nervous since as she mentioned his name, Mike instantly felt himself getting defensive.  
“I don't think that you should hang out with him.”  
Rachel was speaking with a low voice, it was almost like a whisper but Mike heard her words loud and clear.   
Before Mike got the chance to question her words, she grabbed his hand and gently caressed it with her thumb.  
“I'm just trying to look out for you, I think that being around Harvey will hurt you and prevent you from moving on.”  
“I appreciate your concern but I can make my own judgements.”  
The paralegal let go of his hand and let out a deep sigh.   
“It's just that I thought that now that you finally broke up with him th-”  
She interrupted herself, realizing what she had said and Mike frowned at her choice of words.   
What did she mean by “finally”, had she been wanting them to break up?  
That didn't make any sense, Rachel had been nothing but supportive of their relationship since day one.  
“I don't think that Harvey's good for you and I don't think that you should waste your time hoping that you will get back together.”  
“Rachel, he's the love of my life.”  
Mike just answered and Rachel should understand that, she knew how much they loved each other and she should understand why he would at least try.   
Even if Harvey would never forgive him, he at least wanted to be Harvey's friend because he didn't want to be without him.  
“And you're mine.”  
Her voice was so low now that he almost missed it.   
“What?”  
She looked up at him, her brown eyes filled with unshed tears.   
“I'm in love with you, Mike. I have been for a long time and I thought that when you broke up with Harvey, that we could finally be together.”  
Mike didn't know what to say but his mind suddenly decided to replay moments from their friendship, all the friendly touches, all the times she had dressed up even if they were just going to be watching a movie at her place and the way she had since their night together.  
He had been completely oblivious to the way she felt but now it suddenly felt painfully obvious and he couldn't believe that he had never seen it before.  
“I'm sorry, Rachel but I don't love you, not romantically. I love Harvey.”  
His words caused the first tear to roll down her cheek and he felt bad for making her cry but it was the truth.  
Rachel was his best friend and he had never thought of her as something else than that, not even when they slept together.  
That had been all physical, it had been all lust but he had never ever seen her as something else than a friend.   
“Stop wasting your time on Harvey, he's not worth it.”  
Rachel was clearly upset from getting rejected but that didn't stop Mike from getting angry about the way she talked about Harvey and for the second time he threw Rachel out of his hotel room.

When he showed up at work the next day, he found a note on his desk telling him to go to Harvey's office.  
He instantly started to worry, imagining the worst.  
What if seeing him with Rachel yesterday had made Harvey wanting to stop being around him, to not even try to be friends?  
Harvey had already believed that Rachel and him was a couple once before, what if he thought that Mike had lied when he said that they weren't?  
He bit his lip nervously while walking through the hallway leading to Harvey's office, not stopping until he reached Donna's desk.   
“What's this about?”  
He asked her but the secretary didn't answer him, she just shrugged as if she didn't know even if she most likely did.   
Mike hesitate for a second before he found his courage and walked into the office, closing the door behind him.   
“Rachel told me that she was in love with me.”  
He said before mentally berating himself for just blurting it out instead of at least building up to it.   
“I told her that I don't feel the same.”  
He continue before looking at Harvey, who looked like he did not expect this at all.   
“Okay.”  
He answered and even if he tried to look like he didn't care, Mike could see him relax a bit as if he was relieved.   
“I thought that's why you wanted to talk? Because of Rachel?”  
Instead of answering, the older man just took the folder from his desk and threw it at Mike, who managed to catch it in the last second.   
He opened it and read the first document before looking over at Harvey again.  
“This is a case.”  
“Thank you, captain obvious.”  
He answered before smiling and Mike couldn't help to smile himself.  
Harvey hadn't called him here to talk about Rachel, he had called him here because he wanted to work together again, which meant that not only would he be free from Louis but maybe they were slowly fixing what he had broken.


End file.
